Where's The Lemonade?

In this episode learn why it is important to take time to frequently renew your relationship. In our recent time away we recorded this podcast about the last eight years of our marriage. Find out our highs and lows and what we learned from it all.What is different now compared to 8 years agoOur relationship with Darren's Ex has evolved. Time heals wounds.The roller coaster of your relationship with your ex dampens over the years. Not as extreme as it was in the beginning. Our relationship is stronger now than before.8 years ago we felt that love would conquer everything. Not true. Check out our podcast on the horrible first year.Emotions are very high that first year.ChallengesUnder-estimate the effects of the divorce and then blending of families on the older kids.Did not set up good enough boundaries with the exes. How quick we respond to emails, we had to set a time to look at emails or texts.If you are going to go to court, get a lawyer. Avoid court as much as you can. It causes a major emotional, and fin

Decorating for the Holidays is a great tradition that turns a house into a home. For Paige and Darren, this was critical to helping their kids feel somewhat normal after blending the families. Even though we love the way our home is decorated, Darren's aversion to a disaster of a garage and piles of boxes made this time a year a time of dread and anxiety. Find out how we made our way through this.History of Decorating the HouseWe decorate for most holidaysPaige needs to get it all done in 24 hoursInside and outside.Paige's Mom and Darren's Mom both have big decorations.When we got married Paige saw the new big house as a blank canvas for Holiday decorations.Paige would come home with bags of new ideas and decorations. The money did not annoy Darren. It was where to put the stuff.The Garage has never had a car in it.The boxes were out of control for a couple years.Darren's Attitude AdjustmentPaige wanted to bring some happiness and joyfulness in the house. Decorating for the holidays was a part of it of bringi

Many times we are searching for the perfect lemonade when we are dealt lemons. We know if we are positive enough and with enough sugar, we can find good in anything thrown our way. But sometimes we need to adjust our expectations to fit the current situation. In this episode, we talk about finding our own lemonade in these tough situations. Life can be hardThings don't always turn out the way you plan them.Story of us finding ourselves in our 40s single with kids.Over time we give up when our plans constantly fall through.Paige was hit with constant disappointment and stopped planningDarren lost control of his plans and went into a situational depression. Even now things don't always work out the way we plan, but we have decided to find any goodness in the things that happen to us. How to Stay PositiveBe Grateful There is always something going right. We did gratitude bucks with our kids Attitude of Gratitude Look for silver linings Sometimes things that look really bad turn out to be good in the end Very har

Find out how Darren & Paige handle Middle Schoolers that are going through "The Change" from perfect little kids to tweenies and teenagers with raging hormones and attitudes as they try and learn to become adults. Throw a blended family and two sets of parents and problems become even more difficult to manage.Middle School aged kidsMiddle school is when Kids get their hormones, Puberty is just as hard on parents as it is on kids.Kids are trying to figure out who they are.FriendshipsSocial media, cell phones and the internetSex, Drugs, AlcoholFaith, and VirtueAdd in Blending familiesAdd on top of that Step-Parents, Step Siblings, etc.. and it can be a disaster.Two homes to deal withComplex schedules with more activities,Doubled up chores and fun.CarpoolsDisciplineRules are differentEasy to get lost in a Blended family. 10 siblings instead of a handful.Kids at this age are already self-conscience about who they are and how they fit in.Helping children feel loved. Normal kids have a hard time with this add-i

This week Paige continues to teach Darren what she learned at "Education Week". This episode we tackle managing problems, not solving problem, managing them. Some problems, like putting socks in the hamper,  take a long to solve, but all problems can be managed.  Checking inExacerbated by my kids, your kids. We are sensitive to this and what we actually do it.Complaints aren’t fun but we need to deal with themWhat complaints do we need to share?You need to decide what is importantOnly the couple can decide together. Four-step problem solvingDiscuss   Use speaker listening techniqueStructured way to communicate safely. The point is to create safety in the relationship.I felt Z, when you did X, in situation Y.Be respectful and be specificMake sure you respect the rulesTaking time to discuss says, "I want to know and understand you better.You are ready to move on when you both understand each other's Point of ViewSet an AgendaPick a bite-sized piece to work onex - Problem is money - bite-size piece is talk about

In this episode, Darren and Paige cover the importance of Girl's trips, the emotions of the husband left behind.History of Girls tripsFrom 1993 to 2008 the number of "Girl's Trips" grew by 230%.  From 2008 to 2019 it more than doubled again.25% of adult women have taken a girl's trip in the last 3 years40% of adult women plan to take a girl's trip in the next 3 yearsPaige's girl's trips.Purpose of Girls TripsA much needed break for me from my familyReconnecting with friendsRejuvenateTeaching kids the value of good friendshipsQuality time with dadThey miss meI miss themEmotions around Girls TripsA story about when Paige and Darren saw a girls trip that seemed out of control.When you are the one left behind you might have feelings of jealousy, fear, trustLinkhttps://www.southernliving.com/healthy-living/benefits-vacation-with-friendshttp://www.nbcnews.com/id/24114207/ns/travel-seasonal_travel/t/girlfriends-getaways-booming-trend-travel/#.XXXZfShKiUkhttps://burlingtonvt.citymomsblog.com/2015/11/12/girlfriends-ge

Paige went to "Education Week" and attended several marriage relationship classes. In this episode, Paige talks to Darren about what she learned on how we can avoid toxic behavior in our relationship and strengthen our marriage.Toxic BehaviorVision for your marriage. Good communication, and fun.Risk factors and danger signs. Conflict is not always bad. Certain patterns of conflict are bad.Danger signs Escalation - Back and forth, negatively driven by defensiveness. The topic does not matter it matters how you discuss itInvalidation - Partners put down the thoughts, feelings or characters of their partnerNegative interpretations - We assume our partner is just being mean. Give them the benefit of the doubtAvoidance and withdrawal - One partner avoids talking about important issues, shuts downHow to stop or prevent danger signsCouples don't know how to get out of an argumentCall time outYou have to bring it back up within 24 hoursA person that calls time out must call time inIn a time out get your mind off the

The fall brings kids going back to school or even leaving home to go to College for the first time. In this episode, we talk about the perils of back to school in a blended family and the emotions of sending kids off to college for the first time. Kids back to SchoolBoohoo, Woohoo Breakfast celebration.The emotions of the kids being goneWhen your youngest goes off to kindergarten or first grade.Who am I?, What do I like to do? For 15 years I have raised kids now whatGetting the kids back on a schedule (Bedtime and wakeup)Practicing instrumentsLimited screen timeHomeworkExtra-curricular activitiesOverprescribed kids too many sports, clubs, activitiesBlended FamiliesCoordinating schedules across housesCar-pool coordinationHomework between housesAn unclear division of responsibilities; keeping all parties abreast of what's going on; the logistics of hauling stuff back and forth between houses;parents agreeing on how to manage increasingly common cases of learning difficulties such as Attention Deficit Disorder."

 Time apart can be hard and taxing on a marriage. But there are many situations where it is inevitable. Time apart comes in many forms, work travel, traveling to see kids, a spouse in the military, it all takes a toll on your marriage and your relationship. In this episode, we talk about the dangers of being apart and some tips to overcome the side effects. Situations of being apartSpouse travels for workSpouse travels to see their kids or a long commute to get them or take them back to their exSpouse lives in another locationSpouse deployedYou or your spouse work long hours or opposite schedulesPerils of being apartDisconnecting emotionallyMissing out on what is going on at homeFeelings of resentment (I am doing all the hard things at home while you are out to eat at fancy restaurants)Upon returning, the person at home feels in charge and the other disrupts the flowChanges made while you're goneOverwhelmed feelings by being alone and no one to share in the burdensanxiety There is a physical toll on the perso

Friends are yet another tricky subject in divorce. Who gets what friends after a divorce? Does your new spouse make friends with your friends? What happens if you are in the same social circles still? Are there people that want to be friends with both you and your ex? It gets complicated really fast.In this episode, we talk about the pitfalls and traps and how to avoid them.Who Gets the Friends in a DivorceCannot specify which friends go to who, in the divorce papers.Moving to a new location is typically what happens for one of the people. So that problem is not common for everyone.In our situation, Darren did not move, some friends had to take sides.It will be hard to have a friend still be both of your friends. You have put them in the middle of your mess. Not fair. You need to let them go sometimes.Sometimes you might lose a friend because "divorce is contagious". It is very hurtful. But you need to be understanding.How to Make Friends in your Spouses Circle of FriendsChurch Friends, Soccer mom friends, th

When people get divorces there is a huge financial explosion. All of the assets you have built together are now going to be exploded and divided. Not just two ways, lawyers will get their cut as well. But your financial obligation does not stop there, it is just the beginning. The emotions around money in divorce, alimony, and child support are pretty raw. In this episode, we investigate those feelings and how to deal with them.Divorce is CostlyDivorce is expensive. Especially if you have assets to divide, and if you are contesting child custody or alimony. Typical divorces cost $20,000 but can easily balloon to over $100,000.Many couples find themselves in bankruptcy after a divorce or right before it is finalized.The divorce is just the beginning for costs. You need to make the money that you have now pay for two homes, two sets of clothes, etc...A good income just went to an ok income.Everything you have been working for your whole life has been destroyed. Now divided to 4 parties. You, your ex,  the lawye

Right after a divorce is hard for everyone. You and your kids will be going through all ranges of emotion. You have a tendency to act based on those emotions of fear, guilt, sadness, and anger. Many times, this leads to uncharacteristically doing things you would not normally do. Like, getting a dog even though you are allergic, or skydiving, or heading to Disneyland. In this episode, we explore those first few months after a divorce and how to try to not overindulge your kids.The Emotional part of DivorceYour kids will be mad at you. They are going to be angry at the situation or at you, your ex-spouse or both.You will be mad at you ex. When you are co-parenting things will happen that just make you mad.Emotions during a divorce are mostly negative. There might be some relief, but in general, most of the emotions are sad and negative.You need to find things that bring happiness and joy into the situation, for your kids and you.Do not force family time on your kids Create opportunitiesSelf-care is important a

One of the worst days in our lives was telling our kids we were getting divorced. Turns out it is also the worst day in the lives of our kids too. In this episode, we discuss how we navigated the tricky conversation that we had with our kids. Our approaches were very different but we found some common things that seemed to work, and some things that did not work so well.How to tell your kids your getting divorcedPaige - Got no advice on how to talk to the kids.Spur of the moment. Decided that morning.Not all the kids were there. Just Jake and Rachel. Then she called Amanda.Sat down together and told the kids together.They told the kids the reason for the divorce. Separation for over a year.What would you have changed?Darren -Got advice from a marriage counselor on how to talk to the kids about the divorce.Planned how we were going to tell the kids for 4 months.In the meantime I purchased a house down the street from the house we were renting at the time.Told all of the kids at the same time.Did not tell the k

Open communication is important to any relationship. Don't mistake open communication for transparency like we did. Transparency is about visibility,  open communication is more about how, when and where you communicate. In this episode find out how Darren & Paige muddle through their journey to open communication in their marriage.In MarriageBe Timely (Don't put it off, but make sure it is an appropriate time), Pick the right time.Not when you are too angry.Read the room for the mood.Be FlexibleConversations don't always go as planned.Don't get attached to the way you planned the conversation, you will be disappointed in the direction it takes.Move with the dialog. Bend with it and work with the direction it is going.Be PatientNo one communicates perfectly.Listen to what they are saying instead of planning your perfect response.Be IntuitiveThere are more than words when you are communicating.Listen to understand the feeling behind it.This is not an excuse to twist the words of your partner.Read between t

Triggers exist from previous marriages, childhood trauma and just living life. In this episode, we discuss how we have been able to navigate triggers, sometimes successfully sometimes not so much. Find out how to handle triggers, avoid them and recover from them.TriggersPavlov's Dogs - Ring a bell and they salivate.A trigger is an intense, emotional reaction to a present behavior that reminds you of something painful from your past. Triggers can be words, facial expressions, smells, music, sounds, etc...When Paige goes silent Darren gets worried.When Darren is late that is a trigger for PaigePaige needs to know 100% of the truth. No vagueness.Internet use in the middle of the night.Biggest emotion from a trigger is fear.FEAR - False Evidence Appearing RealSome common fears are:Feeling like you're not enough or unworthyNot feeling safe emotionally or physicallyFeeling left out or abandonedFeeling misunderstood or invalidatedFeeling disrespected or criticizedYou TriggeredNormally our minds go to completely irra

In this episode learn how a trip to the Oregon Coast quickly turned into a business trip to Washington DC for Darren. Paige decided to join him so they could have some quality time alone together. Travel log and some nice back and forth about a missed romantic trip.Business TripsPlan time to be together.We with no kids turned into a week together.We had planned to spend 5 days in Oregon but Darren had a Business trip pop up and had to go to Washington DC.He took the opportunity to bring Paige along and spend a couple of days seeing some sites in Virginia.Although it was not ideal, It was time to spend together that was valuable.Monticello and UVANice trip to Thomas Jefferson's Monticello.History about the house was interesting.Sally Hemmings history and the discussion that ensued.University of Virginia History and legacy that Jefferson left behind.College Town feel and cute downtown with little boutiques.Thursday being FlexiblePlans for Thursday were to go to downtown Washington DC where Darren had meetings a

How do you discipline children in a blended family? How do you combine your two styles? How do you teach children across multiple households? There are many techniques and opinions on this subject. Now you get to hear our perspective on how we learned how to navigate this treacherous part of blending families. What is DisciplineQuick Definition – Discipline = Rules + ConsequencesDiscipline is different than punishmentPunishment vs ConsequencesRealize Discipline will be different for the kids in their different homesBlending families means blending disciplineBlending Families (Combining two different discipline styles)Nacho Kids – Not your kids you cannot disciplineBio Parent vs Step ParentSame rules different punishments (Consequences)Different rules in the same house. Rules for my kids are different than your kidsRealize that when combining families, discipline will be different at first. You need to come together.Two Households Two Disciplines (Rules and Consequences)Inconsistency between homesPunishments t

Are you having a hard time figuring out custody schedules with your ex? Are you 50/50 and don't know if you should be a week on week off? Or are you looking at a 2-2-5-5? If you don't even know what these are you can hear the nightmare of scheduling when you have a blended family in this podcast. We discuss the pitfalls and successes we found in negotiating and working custody schedules.Managing SchedulesConsistency is king in schedules for the kids. We just asked our teenage kids that have been living with this schedule and they do not want to change it. They like the way it is.50/50 schedules work best when:The parents live fairly close to each other so exchanges are easier.The parents are able to communicate with each other about the child without fighting.The child is able to handle switching between parents' homes.Both parents are committed to putting the child's best interest first.The parents agree that the 50/50 schedule is the best one for their child.We are lucky in that we only have to coordinate s

In this episode we discuss how hard it is to be a step-mom on Mother's Day, heck even Biological Mom's have a hard time with Mother's Day. Find out how we deal with this great day to remember the Moms in our lives.Feeling Let down on Mother's Day Happens to Both Mom's and Step Mom'sLook at the roots of Mother's DayStarted by Anna Jarvis in 1908 by having a special Sunday Service in remembrance to her MotherOfficially in 1914 by President WilsonIt was a time to go back to your home and go to church with your MotherWhite carnations were worn as a badge of respect for mother's that had passed, red and pink for living mothersIt has become one of the biggest holidays for consumer spending. Families also celebrate by giving mothers a day off from activities like cooking or other household chores.Anna Jarvis later started fighting the commercialization of Mother's DayWatch every Mother's Day episode of "The Middle"Generally mothers and step-mothers both feel let down from Mother's DayStep-mom's get the raw end of th

This was a rough week for Paige & Darren, as Paige's mom is checked into the ER and while there her dad suddenly passes away. Darren was 3000 miles away on a work trip and Darren learned how to rely on friends to help out in the hopeless situation. A thousand-mile roundtrip, a broken down car and an emotionally and physically exhausting week led to many lessons learned.Start of the WeekPaige gets a call from her sister that her mom is in the hospital2 hours later, news that her dad had a heart attack30 minutes later, news that her dad had passed awayDarren was in Washington DC on a Business trip with no way to get home until the next dayPaige is surrounded by her friends for comfortDarren arrives the next day and hops into a car for a 7-hour drive to Southern CaliforniaThe three amigos are pulled out of the last two days of finals from middle schoolThe school has been understanding after some heated emails to some teachersThe Passing of a Great ManPaige's mom went into the hospital because of dizziness Wh