Conversations With Cinthia

Once in love, men typically don't constantly re-evaluate the decision the way women often do.  Still, the reasons they fell in love are often different from the reasons women did, and the dynamics that were important to them then are still important for their enjoyment of the relationship years later.  If you are a woman, this is not about stuffing yourself into some stereotype of a male fantasy; it's about appreciating the aspects of yourself that he already loves and enjoying those aspects more fully.  If you are a man, this episode can help you appreciate the way you were made to function in relationships and be more patient with a woman who may be struggling to understand.  

Yesterday, Cinthia began a week of focusing on men: what they are like, how they differ from women, what they need, etc.  Today's media often paints men very unkindly, and we need to see men with more clarity instead of buying into negative stereotypes.  Today, elaborating on the writing of Candace Atherton at Crosswalk, Cinthia discusses ten things that women need to understand about men.  She also explains some ways women can more effectively interact with men so that men and women both get what they need.

The brains of men are different from those of women, and accepting physiological differences can help us navigate relationships much more effectively.  Women often misunderstand how much men value them because they misinterpret male behaviors.  How does it impact relationships that men have significantly more grey matter than women?  Did you know, ladies, that it's very distressing for good men to hear the women they love devalue themselves over and over?  How can a woman know if a man values her?  How does a man react to danger signals, and how does this impact relational arguments?  Why do men distance themselves, often at the very times women most feel a need to connect?  Cinthia explains that, especially for men, action is everything; she encourages women to hear the messages in what men do.

We've talked a lot this week about the positive impact gratefulness has on us individually, but how does it affect groups, families, workplaces, societies?  What happens when a culture loses touch with gratitude?  A dynamic of gratitude elevates our relationships and communities, but, if we're waiting to enjoy perfection together, we may wait a long time.  How can you build a habit of gratitude in ways that help raise the happiness quotient in the groups you inhabit? 

Much of the world lives on far less than most Americans can imagine, and poverty claims the lives of children around the world on a daily basis.  Yet many of us who live in relative comfort with adequate food and clean water -- and often many, many luxuries besides -- still live lives tainted, even dominated, by resentment and envy.  Yes, we have legitimate pain, too, and God cares about our needs as well as our wants, desires, and longings.  But when we enjoy gifts that would make much of the world ecstatic and still find ourselves angry, bitter, and jealous, perhaps we need a dose of gratefulness to clear our vision and help us savor the goodness in which we dwell.  Cinthia discusses how allowing gratitude to flow through our lives can change our lives and the way we impact others.  

The opposite of gratefulness is envy, which leads to resentment and despair; comparison keeps it all going and leads us away from the peace gratitude brings.  Ironically, we tend to hold onto our pessimism, thinking it will protect us from disappointment and hurt.  But research indicates that happiness, positivity, and gratitude impact our physical health and lifespan.  It may be over-reaching to insist that gratitude heals everything, but research does seem to indicate that gratitude lessens the impact and severity of depression, chronic illness, and more.  Gratitude improves our experience of our circumstances, even when it doesn't change them.  It improves our relationships and our behavior (including reducing self-medicating behaviors), and it helps us stop comparing ourselves to others.  How would it change your life to open the door to gratitude just a little bit wider?

Yesterday's look at Scripture and research made a great case for the importance and power of gratitude.  Yet, somehow, gratitude seems to be at odds with our hardwiring.  Sin and survival both seem to nudge the brain toward negativity, and life can be genuinely painful, even agonizing at times.  Gratitude can threaten our senses of control, fairness, and more.  But gratitude is important in a painful world, and our brain chemistry needs it to help us navigate the difficulty.  Cinthia discusses how to move against the flow to thankfulness.

Do you remember being asked, "What do you say?" as a kid, usually just after being given something?  Saying "thank you" is the first manner we learn as children, and we often think of it as courtesy toward the giver of a gift.  It is this, certainly, but do you know that gratitude affects the grateful one?  It impacts our physical bodies, our hearts, our minds, our relationships.  It changes our relationship with life, with goodness, with ourselves, with God.  This is even (perhaps especially) true for those who experience trauma and other great loss, people who some may think have little for which to be grateful.  Cinthia discusses what the Bible and research tell us about gratitude in this introduction to a week-long series. 

What is love?  In its original languages, the Bible uses different words that are usually all translated "love" in English.  Cinthia discusses three kinds of love that are discussed in the Bible and what it means for these to be present in a romantic relationship.  These three types of love create a three-strand love that every romantic relationship must have.  Today wraps up a two-week series on dating.  Don't miss Cinthia's heart-to-heart wrap-up on the beauty, pain, importance, and complexity of the dating process and what it means to fall in love.  

Dating is a newer phenomenon and not described specifically in the Bible, but that doesn't mean God has no wisdom for us on this topic.  Today, Cinthia looks at several verses that describe how we should relate to each other, then discusses how these apply when dating and developing new relationships.

Sometimes single people find themselves being told not to be "too picky" but also not to "settle."  We know that no one is perfect, and dating requires us to discern which imperfections are real warning signs and which are not. When should we become more forgiving and flexible? When should we address a problem? When should we run? Today Cinthia introduces some specific examples to help us address these questions.

Love doesn't always feel good.  Sometimes we confuse pleasure or intensity with love and mistake true love for something else because it can be uncomfortable.  Plus, love from other humans is imperfect, so how can we determine whether the imperfections are deal-breakers?  Cinthia looks at God as our model of love because He is Love, and LOVE never fails.  What does this mean for a relationship between two imperfect humans?  To start, it means that God has to be our ultimate Source of love; then, we are free to accept imperfect love from others and to determine what is not love at all.  Love hurts sometimes; Cinthia offers wisdom as we navigate the confusion.

When you find someone with whom you want a long-term relationship, then what?  How does an adult relationship work?  Cinthia explores what makes happy, healthy relationships tick.  Things like shared value systems at work in day-to-day life (e.g., How do we treat our server in a restaurant?) and the kind of self-regulation that emotional adults do can really help a relationship function.  

Yesterday, Cinthia discussed the basics of appropriate expectations; these mostly had to do with the ability and inclination to pursue emotional safety, health, and maturity.  Today, Cinthia explores other expectations we may bring to relationships which may be healthy or unhealthy, important or not important, realistic or unrealistic.  Dating is, among other things, a process in which we explore our expectations of one another and whether the two of us can build a relationship that is mutually satisfying.  What are your expectations, and which ones are important enough to rule out a relationship?  Which ones might be good to let go?

It's become popular to encourage people not to have expectations in an effort to avoid disappointment or pain.  However, Cinthia says, we can't have intimacy or safety without expectations -- appropriate expectations.  What should we realistically expect from a potential relationship partner, and what should we expect from ourselves?  Cinthia gives some specifics and guidelines.

Is your relationship enjoyable?  Successful?  Painful?  Delightful?  Is there as much closeness as you want, or more than you know how to handle?  How much effort does it all require?  Society no longer provides the structure for dating that many societies, including our own in the past, have provided for the building of a marriage; this means we have to be willing to build structure for ourselves and seek it with someone else. If you're not sure what this should look like, you're not alone; let Cinthia give you a place to start.

What do adults expect from romantic relationships?  What does maturity look like in marriage?  Sometimes, whether or not we acknowledge it, we expect marriage to become the ultimate source of satisfaction and hope in our lives.  Cinthia explores how to look to God as our Source, work on ourselves so we can be complex instead of complicated, and evaluate our own unspoken hopes and rules for relationships.  She also discusses when to introduce a potential partner to children and what to do with a child's feelings about that person.  

Dating seems like it should be fun, doesn't it?  The reality is pretty variable.  And, fun or not, dating in the current era is very difficult to do, or at least to do well.  How do you seek a long-term relationship in our society while keeping hold of your emotional health?  Cinthia is going to be discussing this topic for the next two weeks.  Join her in today's episode for a look at where to start in the adventure we call dating.  

Some people seem to have stronger faith than others, but trust is a relational issue.  How do we increase our faith and strengthen our trust?  And what does it mean that our fears can be real without being true?  

Since the Bible so often repeats, "Don't be afraid," Christians sometimes come to think of all fearful feelings as sin, or at least as signs of weak faith.  But fear is partly biological, partly psychological, partly instinctive, partly learned.  Fear is our alarm system, and not being able to acknowledge it can be dangerous.  God made humans and knows all about this; He also became human and experienced it (remember Gethsemane?) without ever sinning.  Cinthia explores how to take God's "don't be afraid" commands seriously so that they bring freedom.  (She'll talk more about this at the beginning of tomorrow's episode, too, so check that out, as well.)