Apocrypals

Hey Theophiloi, good news/bad news. About eight minutes into the recording, Chris's Good Microphone stopped working and so we did an hour of the show with Chris sounding like he was trapped in a hole. The good news is that we have a very good text this week: the Book of Ruth, Bible's greatest saga of wheat farming and sapphic subtext! Plus: We angle hard for that Fig Newton sponsorship. What's good, Nabisco? Topics of discussion: A thorough examination of the biblical themes in Neon Genesis Evangelion, the NBC drama thriller Blindspot, the Seven Species, Shavuot: A Chill Hang, Biblical figures that sound like Digimon, Orpah, PoemHub, gleaning the cube, vinegar sauce, "feet" again. Hymnal: "Closer" by Tegan and Sara Offertory: Each person should do as he has decided in his heart, so if you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals, for the Apocrypals love a cheerful giver.

The boys are back in town, Theophiloi, and we've got some breaking news: it seems the Kingdom of Judah has broken its covenant with the Lord of Hosts and will be punished with sword, famine, and plague! Seems like pretty exciting stuff, until the 30th time you've been through it, which is pretty much Jeremiah in a nutshell. Join us as we finish out the longest book in the Bible (and hopefully our longest gap between episodes), won't you? Topics of discussion: Joe Casey and Ben Marra's Jesusfreak, Chris's impending Bible tattoo, Ashura poles, the many sieges of Jerusalem, cravin' Newtons, the satisfaction of the thirsty, dankest Cush, you mean tall Nergal-sharezer?, the lost tribe of Amazons, the Lord's extremely bro-ish punishment for Moab, opinions about Edom, a desolation of ostriches, so many good pillars. Hymnal: "Kiss From a Rose" by Seal Offertory: Each person should do as he has decided in his heart, so if you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals, for the Apocrypals love a cheerful giver.  

Well, Theophiloi, it's been a hot minute, but we're back once again with the first half of Jeremiah, which is both the longest book in Bible and also the most unnecessarily long. Here, we'll save you some time: "God's mad." There, you have now read Jeremiah. If you want a more in-depth discussion of how metal this book can get, though, listen in for shattering destruction, and fields just chock full o' bones! Plus: the return of Rough Chuckles. Topics of discussion: World Dracula Day, Jeremy & Danny & Eli & Obie & Hab, Twitter's tendency towards jerimiads, twist it like a camel, circumcised hearts, the problem all the murderers, spitting hot fire, an alternative to 1 Rinthies, Fleabag S2, Terror Is On Every Side. Hymnal: "For Whom The Bell Tolls" by Metallica Offertory: Each person should do as he has decided in his heart, so if you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals, for the Apocrypals love a cheerful giver.  

Hello, Theophiloi and Cheerful Givers! Looking for a nice way to relax, chill out, and maybe even fall asleep? Good news: we've got the book for you. Our old nemesis St. Paul is back with a second letter to the church at Corinth, and pal, it is a snooze... right up until he starts talking about Super-Apostles and how he was beaten with sticks. After that, it gets pretty wild, so do your best to stay awake through the whole thing. Plus, the one piece of the Pauline Epistles that we 100%, absolutely agree with. Topics of discussion: Bible Bible, a special day for talking about Laser Swords: The Movie, Paul's work friends, the invention of sarcasm, the Aroma of Jesus, Jars of Clay, the difficulty in building the churches of Achaea, the Super-Apostles, Frieza, a real Colton Burpo Situation. Hymnal: "The Time Is Now" by John Cena Offertory: Each person should do as he has decided in his heart, so if you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals, for the Apocrypals love a cheerful giver.

Happy Easter, Theophiloi! He is risen indeed! It's definitely still Easter, so we're back with the Questions of Bartholomew, and friends, let me tell you: he is not the only one with some questions. Join us as Jesus reveals mysteries that are so scary they will literally make you die just from seeing them. We hope hearing about them is a bit less lethal. Topics of Discussion: Hellstorm: Son of Satan, handy iconography of St. Nicholas of Myra, man-capes, St. Gracilis of Bonicorpus, an explanation of walls, a very long week, William Castle, Satan's version of Goof Troop, an amazing parenthetical, the three dudes left in Hell, Adam's very improbable height. Hymnal: "Chase the Devil" by Max Romeo and the Upsetters Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!  

Happy Holy Week, Theophiloi! If you're like your humble Son of Thunder and his friend the Author of All Lies, you have a keen interest in space. If that's the case, then you're going to love learning some new facts about the Sun and Moon as we dive into the second half of the Book of Enoch! Also, we really hope you like calendars, because there's about 20 pages of that in here too, but trust us: it's worth it for what comes after. Plus: A tale of Noah when he was a boy! Learning to write was a mistake. Topics of discussion: The hated Green M&M, the failings of Lent Madness, Caesar Real vs. Benjamin Harrison Real, Four. Smooth. Pits., Enoch vs the Gender Binary, Taylor Swift's Ancient of Days, Gadrael the Angel of Kung Fu, an official naming of Chuck the Truck, Tomas y Sonja, gendered language, some PG-13 hog talk. Hymnal: "X Gon' Give It To Ya" by DMX Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!  

Happy Apocryphersary, Theophiloi! To celebrate one year of the show, we're launching into one of our most requested texts: the apocalyptic, hallucinatory, and profoundly influential Book of Enoch. Written about 200 years or so after the beginning of time, this story follows a prophet who was so cool that God just took him up to heaven (or possibly the planet Krypton) so that they could hang out for eternity. Get ready for thirsty angels, crystal houses, and a debate over whether any of this is weirder than a dragon that likes butt stuff! Topics of discussion: Angels, demons, and Dwayne, mid-level teens, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Benito's placement on a list of comic book stories, the dire consequences of angelic thirst, Nightcrawler's dad, forbidden cloud knowledge, AngelWatch, Dudiel the Bro of God, flaming fire, that time Ryan North fell into an empty pool and was trapped for an hour, John "James" Dee, the sexy truth about rain. Hymnal: "Angel of the Morning" by Juice Newton Offertory: If you enjoy the show, hea

Break out the birthday cake, Theophiloi, because as of this show, we've officially been at this for one full year! We're celebrating by pushing the Guessatron 5000 to its limits with a Bible Trivia Quiz to see if we (ie Chris) have learned anything from our year of book study. Play along and try not to yell at your phone too loud when you know the answer and Chris doesn't. Topics of discussion: The Complete Book of Bible Trivia by J. Steven Lang, most of the Apostles, the Feast of the Annunciation and the single most important date in history, our potential Bible tattoos (Leviticus 19:27, Micah 7:8, Isaiah 54:17, Acts 8:21), the late Biblical scholar Raul Julia, the Beloved Disciple, another Lent Madness update, Paul's secret third profession and other bad jokes. Hymnal: "Quiz" by CupcakKe. Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!  

Get ready to put on your costume, give money to the poor, and get tore up from the floor up, Theophiloi, because it's Purim time! Join us for the story of Esther, a uniquely God-free entry into Bible about a beautiful queen outfoxing Haman (BOOOO!) to the point where he gets severely impaled. It's a good one. Topics of discussion: a Lent Madness update, St. Joseph's Day, some bitterness about an old job, the Jewish Hero Corps, Ruth : Wheat :: Esther : Impalement, the Persian Wu-Tang Clan, a re-evaluation of Vashti, Haman's pockets (booo!), Esther's surprising similarity to Goku, a delicious villain humiliation, a not inconsiderable number of fairly preventable deaths, does Dogpile exist? Hymnal: "Hey Man, Nice Shot" by Filter Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

Top o' the mornin' to ye, Theophiloi! In honor of his verdant feast day, we're taking a look at the life of Saint Patrick! Witness as he comes out of his cage and does just fine bringing Christianity to the pagan isle of Ireland. You will erhaps be shocked by the fact that there are zero (0) mentions of snakes or shamrocks, but we do have the return of all of our favorite Bible traditions: explosions, wizard battles, were-foxes, all that stuff. Plus: one of us might be immortal now? Topics of discussion: Lent, M. O'ses, Succet, the most buck wild book of the Bible to recite in its entirety every single day, Victor/Victoricus, a proclamation from Benito (and yes he knows they're Scottish), the proper number of times to invoke Elijah, truly harrowing birthday celebrations, Miliucc with two Cs, St. Bofa of Haenuces, dope AF (ad fidum), St. Patrick's actual Dungeons & Dragons spellbook, a hole in the ground for unbaptized babies. Hymnal: "Mr. Brightside" by the Killers Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head t

Take heed, Theophiloi, because we have some intense and highly specific requirements for your upcoming tabernacle construction this week. That's right: we've wandered out of the narrative section of Exodus and into the part that's mostly about how much the Lord loves acacia wood, with a few extremely famous events strewn among it for good measure. Moses has an exceptionally long conversation at the top of Mount Sinai and we go from "yikes" to "YIKES!" as we cover some Old Testament laws. Plus: the surprising origin of a terrible and ridiculous stereotype! Topics of Discussion: Mardi Gras and its regional food variants, the categories of Jewish Law, The 10x2 Commandments (the Decalogue and the Other Ones), a good joke about a bad preacher, what to do if a donkey falls in your hole, some Very Bad Laws, Punching Your Mom: Just Don't Do It!, Home Alone Doctrine, Witch v. Sorceress, the sin that will make the Lord come down with a sword and kill you His Own Self, the Highlander catalog, a li'l house for God, the C

Happy Valentine's Day, Theophiloi, and might I just say, you're looking good today. Hair like goats, teeth like sheep, just dripping with myrrh... yes, all your parts are in very sexy condition. What's that? Why yes, we have been taking a few tips from Bible's greatest romantic, King Solomon the Demon-Queller! He's here with his sensual mixtape and we're going through it track by track as we take on the Song of Songs! Plus: a brief non-history of St. Valentine! Hey, don't... uh, don't listen to this one with your mom, okay? Topics of discussion: A soupçon of Magic: The Gathering, the Sanctum Sanctorum, "Rich Girl," tbe mechanics of Bumble vis-a-vis gazelle fawns and grapes, chiastic structure, metaphors and abbreviations in order to keep our "Clean" tag, sheep content, lots of stuff we can't really put in the description, and only two jokes we had to cut out. Hymnal: "Portions for Foxes" by Rilo Kiley Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely app

Get your shoes on and don't you dare leaven that bread, Theophiloi, because it's time to dive into the Book of Exodus! In this episode, we cover the first 18 chapters, including Moses's surprisingly violent origin story, 7+3 plagues, and Pharaoh's many, many ill-advised decisions. Plus, the ultimate #passoverhack: tacos. Topics of discussion: Candlemas, LentMadness.org, Mary of Bethany v. Martha of Bethany: Dawn of Saintliness, the Main Dude of Judaism, God's surprising forgetfulness, God's even more surprising similarity to the Power Rangers, a very confusing circumcision, "Pharaoh Pharaoh" and its bespoke dance moves, Arbok vs. Ekans in Bible Times, the planet Drakulon, Double Blood, RAINING BREEEEEEEEEEAAAD! FROM A LACERATED SKY!, and God's delicious dandruff. Hymnal: "Raining Blood" by Slayer Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!  

Just so you know, Theophiloi, both of us have definitely read the Book of Exodus, as planned. Definitely. Especially me. Remember Pharaoh? And how about that Moses, huh? Anyway, this week, we're taking a break from scripture to answer your listener questions! Plus: the Renowned Jester of the Lord! Topics of discussion: What surprised us about Bible, what we're worried about covering, further reading, disciples smooching and/or playing D&D, the Armor of God, cleric domains, Batman as the model of a sacred text, John son of James, planning our next trip to the bar, favorite books, "Thunder, Perfect Mind," the Noah No-Prize, saints we'd like to fight, Triclavianism. Hymnal: "21 Questions" by 50 Cent feat. Nate Dogg Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

Greetings, Theophiloi, from your ever-punctual Sons of Thunder! We're back this week to answer the question of whether we can talk for an hour about exactly four pages (and 47 verses) of Bible. It's the famous story of a guy who has to live inside a whale for three days and then gets dunked on by God because he's a real grumpy boy. Join us for Jonah, won't you? Topics of discussion: Excuses excuses, New Year's but for trees, the official End of Christmas, a PG-13 review of the BibleGateway iPhone App, Ultra Boy (Jo Nah), Veggietales Apocrypha, @THERADR, the Orb (from Ghost Rider), St. Augustine (the famous one), whale kisses, a very scary ding-dang, Benito's Weird Language Tangent Corner, Jonah's increasingly improbable homes. Hymnal: "My Name is Jonas" by Weezer Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

We're back for 2019, and on the off chance that we didn't have enough of them already, get ready for a couple new Johns. Specifically, we're celebrating Epiphany with Of Hildesheim's 14th-century book on the Legend of the Three Kings, which also introduces us to Prester. How weird is this one? Well, Chris highlighted an entire page from top to bottom, so believe us, it's a rollercoaster. Plus: Li'l Fat Jesus!!!! Topics of discussion: Benito getting yelled at about the historicity of Jesus, church cusses, Women's Christmas, the Christmas Dragon and his poem about your faults, Balaam, Dismal Downs, B^F, 316 Covered Street, Skull Mountain Kisses, a great Apple, The Coins, Raw Balm aka Lazarus Pit Juice, St. Helen's traveling reliquary. Hymnal: "Princes of the Universe" by Queen Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!  

Mary Christmas, Theophiloi! Normally at this time of year, you get a nice little reading from Luke about being sore afraid and wishing peace on Earth and goodwill to men. Unfortunately, we already covered that one, so we're bringing you the birth of Christ as you've never heard it before with the Infancy Gospel of James. We learn all about Mary's origin, in which she was Rapunzeled for thirteen years and then handed off to a very confused local carpenter. Plus: all the other holy days we'll be missing before we come back on Epiphany! Topics of discussion: Southern Snow Day, Boleslav the Cruel, Colly Birds, a bit of difficulty counting to seven which is of course the highest number, CMB, Mary vs. Betty vs. Veronica, the Ultimate Blessing, Joseph's four-year house-building tour, an extremely dark joke from Chris, the Lord's drink, Time Stop (lv.9 wiz/sor), the Fortress of Baptitude, a few new ideas to incorporate in your Christmas traditions, 2 minutes of Benito doing animal noises (seriously). Hymnal: "Reindee

So long Hanukkah and Hello Advent, Theophiloi! It's your humble Sons of Thunder on 2018's best podcast for news about Ahikar and St. Thecla's conflict with man-eating seals, and before we close out the Festival of Lights, we're going all in with 2 Maccabees. Things get buck wild as we hear about Judah Maccabee's exploits once again, now with roughly 1,000% more ghost warriors and magic swords. Seriously, this is the most action-packed part of Bible we have ever experienced, and you'll recall that we saw Judas exploding back in episode 1, so the bar has been set pretty high. We do, however, need to put a strong Content Warning on this one for some graphic descriptions of torture and martyrdom. Topics of discussion: The Murder That I Like The Most vs. The Apocryphamici, the Catalonian Poop Log, our local Holiday Parades, the Bangles, Jason of Cyrene, the Drizzt Do'Urden of Jewish history, "The Greek Hat," illegal tactics in the wrestling arena, dubious omens, wishing a happy monthday to Antiochus III, Ex Nihilo

Chag sameach, Theophiloi! It's Hanukkah times, so we're diving into One Maccabees to learn the story of the Festival of Lights, and also get 16 full chapters of Jews just beating the ever-loving sugar out of everyone in the Levant. Light that Hanukkiah, sharpen that sword, and get ready for the most action-packed piece of Bible, ever. Plus, our suggestions for adding Judith and Matzoh-rella sticks to your holiday celebrations! Topics of discussion: Holiday scheduling, The Christmas Chronicles and the canonicity of St. Nicholas, Church cusses, Mattathias's large adult sons, Judah Maccabee the Hammers of History, Alexander the Great, dream casting the 1999 Maccabees movie, Antiochus IV Epiphanes getting dunked on so hard that he dies, War Elephants, Eleazar the Piercer, King Baby, the Hammer and the Diplomat. Hymnal: "U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!  

Good news, friends and neighbors: It's Christmas now! Put your shoes out and brew a pot of coffee because we're going through the lives of the most popular saint ever, Jolly Old St. Nicholas, aka Santa Claus. Oh, and also St. Lucy, whose life unfortunately had a not insignificant amount of eye-gouging. Plus: Find out which of us is the Paul of Santa and our unsurprising pick for the Worst Christmas Character! Topics of discussion: Shine vs. Glow, St. Martin's White Horse vs. America, Donkey vs. Horse, St. Nicholas Day vs. Christmas vs. Epiphany, Julian vs. Gregorian, Chris vs. "The Elf", Benito vs. Dominic the Donkey, Grandpa vs. Grandma, Benito vs. Santa Claus, Christkindl vs. the Arrow of Time, Chris and Matt Wilson vs. Kirk Cameron, St. Nicholas vs. Artemis, Curt Connors (the Lizard) vs. his son Billy, St. Agatha vs. Medieval Artists. Hymnal: "Hooray For Santa Claus" by Milton Delugg Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!