Apocrypals

Can you believe we're stuck in this elevator together, Theophiloi? I guess there's nothing we can do but pass the time with the clip show episode of Torah while we wait for the power to come back on. Join us as Deuteronomy offers up a bunch of stuff we've already read, and a record YPP score (yikes per page). We gotta eat the vegetables before we get to Judges, folks. Topics of discussion: Benito's completely buck wild choice of a favorite candy seriously no matter what you are guessing right now you are wrong, British wrestler Grado, a "rap" about abstinence, We finally understand Bigger Luke, Sh'ma Israel, Backlash 2006, Dracula ex Cathedra, Solomon: threat or menace?, WrestleMania 25, Torah: The Anime (Torahnime), Scabies Jim. Suggested Reading: Luke 4:18. Psalm 94:20-23. Isaiah 54:17. Micah 7:8. Black Lives Matter. Hymnal: "Green Hornet Theme" by Al Hirt, "Wonderwall Cover auf Orgel" by Captain Mütsch (youtube.com/channel/UC2QJ4s5sJsgQjkGlitR66GA) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or

It's our Nintendo 64th episode, Theophiloi, so we're taking a break from our usual Book study to dive into the least canonical Bible-adjace content we can! Not approved by the church, not approved by Nintendo of America, and barely approved by the LifeWay Christian Store, it's the extremely dubious catalogue of "Biblical" video games by Wisdom Tree. Join us as we spend a Sunday Funday waging Spiritual Warfare on some Bible Adventures. Don't forget Baby Moses! Topics of discussion: Bible Adventures, King of Kings, Exodus: Journey to the Promised Land, Joshua & the Battle of Jericho, Sunday Funday, Bible Buffet, Spiritual Warfare, MMXIII Anno Ludivici, the Mario Brothers enemies most and least like eagles, the Lord's presence in Fire Pro Wrestling, the Nintendo Seal of Quality, an inappropriate ranking of Miriam, Holy City Ransom, a pitch (ha-HA!) for Bible Adventures 2, J. Jonah Jameson vs. Mary, games that old people like, the sword expert and the clown, "The Ride of Life" (1995), H*ckraiser (the film), t

You know who doesn't come off very well in Bible, Theophiloi? Dogs. This week, though, our canine pals get a little bit of redemption as we dive into the hagiographies of two sterling examples of Son of Man's Best Friend! Join us for the very official St. Roche "Pronounced Rock" Johnson and his li'l buddy Breadstick (patron saint of dogs) and the extremely disavowed St. Guinefort (patron saint of actually being a dog for real). Be warned: the dog does die in this one, but to be fair, he's a 13th century martyr, so you kind of had to expect that one. Plus: Every Dog Ever! Topics of discussion: Pope Francis vs. Batman, the podcast of Avingon, a Bible Unicorn Update, an obscure reference even for us, acceptable babies, professional wrestler Lance Archer, alternate language for your 2020 PR emails, giving "thanks," an amazing sentence, Etienne de Bourbon, who suce en fait, when not to look at birds, America's daring, highly trained special missions dog, some real bad ideas about babies, Christ's Body in a beehvie

One thing you have to say for the Book of Numbers, Theophiloi: it is exactly what it says in the title. Well, most of it is, anyway. Mixed in with all the census totals and step-by-step MapQuest directions to the Promised Land, though, is some truly wild stuff, including the return of one of our favorite Biblical tropes, the talking animal that no one seems to think is odd in the slightest. Join us, but make sure to brace yourself for a whole lot of skantent. Topics of discussion: The Devil's Bible (Wizard Magazine), the Devil's Bible (Codex Gigas), horse_ebooks, "Petition Pit," Scholars and Clowns, the two wolves inside us, clown eggs, James O'Barr's The Crow, a large Jamie Madrox of frog, the P editor, a mysterious animal that is either a sea cow or a Lady Rainicorn, Nazarite vs. Nazarene, the Aaronic Benediction, the Lord's invention of ska, an extremely clutch joke made to my wife, Nachos Galacticos, something that is definitely not an idol, Mt. TERF, God just making a bunch of disembodied mouths and then

Happy Apocryphersary, Theophiloi! It's our show's second approximate birthday and it also just happens to be Big Boy Season. we're celebrating both with our annual tradition of checking in with Enoch, one of two prophets that God liked so much that he brought him directly to Heaven to hang out with a bunch of on fire eye wheels for 3,000 years before anyone else got there. And yes, this is definitely Heaven. It's absolutely, definitely Heaven. Trust us, it's all completely normal Bible stuff. Topics of discussion: the Portal of Hubris, Ten-Pound Necktie, Big Boi Bible, in-car worship service, Enochian: The Language of the Angels, the Ophanim Clarence, Willy Wonka nonsense, DewBox, Chalky Dry, a special appearance from The G.O.A.T., the secret Tenth Heaven, Todd McFarlane's Book of Enoch, the four things that make up history, Ultimate Genesis, planetary hours, icing bros in the seventh generation of man, Benito basically calling Chris a clown to his face even though he can't even remember what Batman says in B

We're all having an extremely normal time right now, Theophiloi, but it always pays to remember that it could be worse. You could, for example, be Andrew, first called to be a disciple of the Lord Jesus, who was then sent to do a bunch of murders and be tortured in the City of the Man-Eaters. Or you could be Matthias, about whom nothing is known other than that he had to pretend to think he was a cow for about a month. Listen in this week as your humble Sons of Thunder take a trip through a story so ridiculously buck wild that it officially has no historical or doctrinal value, won't you? Topics of discussion: The Annunciation of Biscuit, a depression-based lifehack, the truth about St. Corona, the Darkness, Wolphin update, Spongeheart Deadpants, Truth or Consequences, secret miracles, the single dumbest audio joke I have ever done on the show, Sphex Therapy, The Great Satans Mike and Porter, 360 noscope prayer, apostolic crankiness. Hymnal: "Maneater" by Hall & Oates, "S.O.S." by Stephen Mann of English

Time to eat the vegetables, Theophiloi. After nearly two years of putting it off, we finally lay down the law with Leviticus, and scramble desperately to make a few jokes before we wind up thoroughly exhausted. It's not even the parts you know about that do it! It's the four chapters about skin care! Just go to Lush! Plus, a bitter argument about the weather that will ultimately destroy the show. Is this the end of the Apocrypals? Topics of discussion: Entrails & Shanks, an unsolicited endorsement for Arby's, the testament of Jarvis Cocker, Moses and his pristine mind palace, why Aaron's sons took the jobs as priests, the ticking salsa clock, multiple lists of birds, the controversy of the Muscovy duck, Normal Bible Stuff, Nightcrawler's dad's goat, the CASB, the satyr seder, a reminder to not sacrifice your kids to Molech, a long-awaited return to the bar, ligers, Sailor Moon vs. Molech, The Lord's opinion of Tully Blanchard and Magnum TA, Jubilee years. Hymnal: "Breaking the Law" by Judas Priest, "The W

Cough up that fishbone and tighten up your bowstrings, Theophiloi, because it's time to dive into a trio of hagiographies from our boy JDV and the Golden Legend. Join us as we commemorate February with a look at the ever-penetrated St. Sebastian, #1 pig recovery specialist St. Blaise, and the iron-willed patron of bellmakers, St. Agatha! Since we provide all the details of their martyrdom, I think we're technically a true crime podcast now, so increase your sponsorship accordingly. Topics of discussion: The most North Carolina miracle of all time, date night at Target, St. Baldomerus, Benito's distressing jeremiad against locksmiths, several mentions of the G.O.A.T. Erica Henderson, St. Sebastian's bad tactic for "helping," the best KISS song, Carp: the fruit of the sea, apartment buildings of ancient Rome, a stunning display of fragile masculinity, Chris's limited knowledge of porcupines, the dire consequences of intra-marital affairs, King Gumbert, the 14 Holy Helpers, questions for pápá, "Precious" Paul E

Wizards! Talking lions! Armies of demons! Dudes just straight getting wrecked in the face! Truly it can be said, Theophiloi: this one has it all. Join us as we recount the lives and conduct of the holy women in their swashbuckling adventure that was definitely not written by Mr. Paul. Also, we talk about what Jesus would be like if He was in Smash Bros., which takes up about fifteen minutes and is basically the entire premise of this show. Topics of Discussion: Super Smash Son of Man, the Yoshi of Jesus, Chris slightly misremembering the "Domine Quo Vadis?" story but the bit is still good so whatever don't @ me, A Truly Beautiful And Golden Nightingale, SaulOfTarsus69(Never69), a good tank top, Philotheus, Andrew the Apostle's canonical height, Rebecca the Human, a conversation that sounds like we're swearing but we're DEFINITELY not swearing and I cannot stress that enough, there are no swears here, it's what it says in Bible, the Lord's names, Marine Todd, a real MJFS, the invention of mixed martial arts. H

Welcome back, Theophiloi, to the truly disconcerting rantings of the hair-throwing, scroll-eating mad lad himself, Ezekiel! In this episode, we go to extremes, as Ezekiel offers up the most brütal horror movie prophecies for the iniquitous nations, and then takes a hard right turn into intensely specific blueprints for his visionary construction project. If you've ever wanted to know how prophets make their money, this is the episode that reveals all. Topics of discussion: Lent Creep, the Florence Y'alls, God's vengeance on Jerry "The King" Lawler, that one Bass Pro Shop, Maximum Carnage, Chambers (the second Negan), the Biblical prophecies of Super Mario Bros. 3, this extremely dope Spider-Man page, Ezekiel's #sponsored #content. Hymnal: "Spooky Scary Skeletons Remix" by The Living Tombstone; "Lay All Your Love On Me" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45). Offertory: If you have been given riches, wealth, and honor so that you lack nothing of all you desire fo

Let me ask you a question, Theophiloi: why prophets so nasty? In this episode, we put our treasured No Cusses rule in the greatest danger as we dive into the violent and upsettingly horny visions of Ezekiel, last of the major prophets. This absolute scroll-eating mad lad has a whole list of unsavory activities and breads that he wants to tell you about in detail. Don't listen to this one with your mom. Topics of discussion: The Greenlit Podcast Network, Aquaman: King of the Party Animals, physical descriptions of the Lord, Bible Arepas, the secret ingredient of Ezekiel Bread, Jaazaniah, Son of Shaphan, magic bands, beebos. Hymnal: "Miserlou" by Dick Dale Offertory: If you have been given riches, wealth, and honor so that you lack nothing of all you desire for yourself, let a stranger enjoy them via ko-fi.com/apocrypals.

Merry Christmas, Theophiloi! It's the most wonderful time of the year, where we gather to celebrate the birth of Jesus, which subsequently led to several horrible crimes that terrorized his hometown for years. Plus: our actual last-minute holiday gift guide! Topics of discussion: Benito's trip to Germany, the nature of Christkindl, Christmas Prince power rankings, the Karen and Georgia of a far less successful podcast, a Christmas present from the Canonipal, the Vampire Season and the Werewolf Season, Thomas: Superboy or fan-fiction?, shrivelin' a boy, Chris's experiences being jiu-jitsu'd by a #teen, unwitherin' a boy, Zeno falling off the roof, the Miracle of the Towels, Joseph: the Clown of Carpentry, the return of explosions, The Harrowing of Hell (c. 1600), Glenn Danzig's book collection. Hymnal: "Everything's Gonna Be Cool This Christmas" by Eels Offertory: If you have been given riches, wealth, and honor so that you lack nothing of all you desire for yourself, let a stranger enjoy them via ko-fi.com/ap

Happy Hanukkah, Theophiloi, and welcome back to the action-packed saga of the Dynasty of God's Resisters! Ptolemy (not that one, the one who loves daddy) is causing some trouble in Alexandria, and by trouble, we mean a mass execution via 500 drunk elephants. This book rules. Plus: our hopefully not offensive suggestions for new Hanukkah traditions! Will Judith bring you a fancy pen on her way to her next beheading? We hope so! Topics of discussion: Dreidel single player campaign mode, particles, Lebanon-3, an insignificant person, friends vs. Friends, the Miracle of the Stationery, Hermon: Keeper of the Elephants, questions for elephant scientists, frightful devices, a definitive numerical power level for God, das0l0m0nz0ne. Hymnal: "Pink Elephants on Parade" by Mel Blanc, Thurl Ravenscroft, and the Sportsmen Offertory: If you have been given riches, wealth, and honor so that you lack nothing of all you desire for yourself, let a stranger enjoy them via ko-fi.com/apocrypals. The Lord, after all, loves a cheer

CONTENT WARNING: This week's book deals with some pretty depressing ideas, which leads us to discuss depression and, briefly, suicide. Absolute futility, Theophiloi. That's what we're dealing with this week as we dive into the dark horse candidate for our favorite book of Bible so far: Solomon/Koholet's extremely grim treatise on depression and why the living should envy the dead. It's a lot more lighthearted than it sounds, we promise. Plus: the Bible verse probably written by a horrible goose. Topics of discussion: A Big Mood, Sukkot, TikToK user MorganDrinksCoffee, Martinmas, totally harmless vapor, vanitas, a comprehensive list of every new thing from the past 2500 years, King Solomon's Pokémon, two more contenders for Bible Tattoo, how Chris's dad pulled off the ultimate dirtbag bass player move, the Biblical source of Gen Z's favorite insult, a suspect acronym, live dogs vs. dead lions, wall snakes, bones, Hymnal: "Turn, Turn, Turn" by the Byrds Offertory: If you have been given riches, wealth, and hono

It's the spookiest day of the year, TheAWFULoi, and your humble Sons of ThUNDEAD are back at it with a deep dive into our least canonical selection: the evangelizing comic book tracts of Jack T. Chick. Join us as we discuss the dubious, hateful, and distressingly widely read stories that are designed to drag you kicking and screaming into a very specific version of salvation on this, the Devil's Birthday. Haw haw haw! Topics of discussion: Halloween plans, Bible costumes, the EC/JTC horseshoe, an extended list of people and things Jack Chick thought were evil and/or caused by Catholicism, the Death Cookie, Dark Dungeons, The Little Princess, Boo, Spooky, a contractually obligated mention of "Witch's Invitation," The Trick, the secret Robert Kirkman DOESN'T want you to know, Falcon 7, this weird thing where JTC just straight up does not like the Baby Jesus, Forever Knight, Devil's Night, Blasphemous (the video game). Hymnal: "Chick Habit" by April March Offertory: Each person should do as they have decided in

It's our 50th episode, Theophiloi, and that means it's time to get Apocalyptic! Join us as we embark on an extra-sized episode covering the fever dreams of Johnny Patmo. Witness the opening of the Seven Seals, hear the sounding of seven trumpets, and debate over we are currently pre-apocalyptic, apocalyptic, post-apocalyptic, or post-post-apocalyptic. It's not as depressing as it sounds! Listen and be astonished! Topics of discussion: Shofar show good, Rosh Hashanah, Michaelmas, lookin' at a duck, what the Devil did to blackberries, Shamrock Shakes in the New Jerusalem, The Chad Jesus, Ninjesus, Genjesus, Kickinradism, Jezebel, the prophecy of the Good Green Elf, Stone Lukewarm Laodicea Austin, God's Pride Flag, a very loose definition of "lion," IV Horsemen, that guy who snuck onto Sentinel Island, Abaddon: a bad'un, Gematria, 666 vs. 616, blasphemous nouns, Nero Redivivus and the Reign of the Nerii, David Lo Pan, Johnny Revelator Cash. Hymnal: "Number of the Beast" by Iron Maiden, "The Man Comes Around" by

Brace yourselves, Theophiloi, because this episode is a Triple-Epistle! (Tripistle?) Your humble Sons of Thunder are taking on not one, not two, but all three of the extremely short Johannine Epistles, in which we discover that a dude who once offered to burn down an entire city for Jesus, was actually way more chill than Mr. Paul. Quelle surprise. Plus: two solid minutes of us laughing at our own jokes about Ninja Warrior. Topics of discussion: the weirdest places we've ever been witnessed to, Big Youth Pastor Energy, AO3's new motto, the antichrist, the Luigi of Jesus, James the Just's Mansion, Children of the Devil, Phantasm V: JesVs, Cerenthus, the Johannine Comma, Diotrephes. Hymnal: "The Lust, The Flesh, The Eyes and The Pride Of Life," by the 77s Offertory: Each person should do as they have decided in their heart, so if you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals, for the Apocrypals love a cheerful giver.

Spoiler warning, Theophiloi, but it turns out that the Book of Lamentations is, in fact, actually a straight up book just full of lamentations. Jeremiah is back and surprisingly less wordy, so join us as we try to goof our way through this very depressing book about God putting hard times on Jerusalem circa 586 BCE. Plus: the complete New Testament Rap! Topics of discussion: A very confrontational installment of the Correctional Confessional, Gotta Get That Good Newt™, ranking the Seven Species, IIIsaiah, Tisha B'Av, the saddest food, a very bad joke from Benito, the invention of the slow clap, donkey centaurs, what is an ostrich and can you eat it, a very good joke from Benito, a mystery bird.

You're invited to the holiest eight nights of the Apocrypals calendar, dear Theophiloi! It's Approximate Week, aka our mutual birthday! if you're looking for a gift, we have a recommendation for you: how about a nice cold glass of Messiah Boy Bath Water? Join us as we celebrate with another buck wild Infancy Gospel, in which the Son of Man deals with naked women throwing rocks in cemeteries, an eligible bachelor who is temporarily endonkeyed, and his Earth-dad's lack of carpentry skills. It's everything you need for a great party! Topics of discussion: Birthdays and presents, the King of Kings of Queens, Joshua bar Josef's Bizarre Adventure, the life and death of Alexander the Great, Mary: The King of Women, a regrettably extended discussion of the Holy Prepuce, the five times Jesus bled, Karl der Große, the ado about this mule, the Harold Allnut of Bible, Dumachus, a portal to the live coal dimension, throne building tips. Hymnal: "Baby Boy" by Beyoncé Offertory: Each person should do as they have decided in

Listen at your own risk, Theophiloi, for this is our most curséd episode yet! We lost our first recording, our second only made it six minutes in, and our third... Well, at this point we're just hoping it's not a real FDS (Final Destination Situation). Either way, we've got a good one in the Acts of John, the apocryphal adventures of an Apostle who resurrected his way through various horrible sex crimes. Plus: Was John a dog? Like, literally? Topics of discussion: Mr. Paul, Bapto & Patmo & Presbo & Thunderson, Robin-Hood-Was-A-Fox Real, Phillip: He Likes Horses, Cleopatra (not that one), the Nine Wonders of the World, psickle, bedbug hats, Docetism, hinder parts, Gustav Holst, apocryphal yaoi. Hymnal: "Living Dead Girl" by Rob Zombie Offertory: Each person should do as they have decided in their heart, so if you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals, for the Apocrypals love a cheerful giver.