Apocrypals

So uh, if this episode gets a little weird, it's probably because the hosts, two comic book writers, found out that Stan Lee died about halfway through it. But tragedies great and small won't stop us from learning about love, and also some extremely misogynistic rules about who gets to talk in church as Paul dashes off yet another letter! That's right, y'all, it's time for Rinthies, so let's get patient and kind up in this piece! Plus: do Paul's RTs = endorsements? Topics of discussion: Benito's pretty good wedding, Martinmas, Apollos, the Biblical license plates of Durham, North Carolina, jerks, Paul's guide to marriage, sacrifice cookouts, Zeus Meat, @TheRealApostlePaul, Ma-Ti, another Johnny Q. Public reference, IDIC, angel language, secret fraternity names, Desk Pals, Maran Atha, Rinthies II: Through The Portal of Time, and Podifex. Hymnal: "Modern Love" by David Bowie Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!  

Get ready for HAINTS AND SAINTS, Theophiloi! It's Halloween and things are getting wild spooky up in here as we diver into the testament of Solomon, a very wise man who likes two things: glorifying God and forcing demons to do menial labor. Meet several new costume options that you certainly won't have to spend all night explaining, including Ornias, Beelzeboul, Onoskelis, Astaroth, the 36 Elements of the Cosmic Ruler of the Darkness, our old pal Asmodeus, and Pteradrakun, who... well, you see the title of the episode, right? Plus: Solomon invents capitalism! Topics of discussion: Benito explains himself, JC Go!, the Da Vinci Coders, St. Aspren, another preview of First Enoch, our plans for a purely hypothetical live show, MTV's Next, lacunae and vox nihili, The Lord Sabaoth, the Pentalpha, Slam Evil!, live-streaming a Hell House, Benito's favorite Ancient Greek words, continuity with Tobit, a numerology lesson about 644, "I Am Error," a LOT of Hellboy talk, Hello the Hellhound, a solid Mary Marvel pitch. Hym

PIECES be with you, Theophil-OOZE, and get ready for the first installment of our two-part HELLoween SCAREtacular! This week, we're descending into HELL! And, uh, it's not actually that scary in the traditional sense, although the antisemitism of early Christian writings brings its own brand of horror. Either way, it's our long-awaited discussion of the Harrowing of Hell! Plus, an untold tale of Jesus's magic emotion-changing clothes! Topics of discussion: The rehabilitation of Pilate, the Apostle's Creed, the Autobiography of Bruce Wayne, a brand-new miracle, St. Procla, the origin of Veronica, a revelation about twelve years of bleeding, a good way to repel evil spirits, a slightly less good way to repel evil spirits from Benito's childhood, devhellopment, the Bad Place, God's magic word, Habakuk's comeback, the Cure of Tiberius and the Death of Pilate, a secret zombie, Longinus, and a surprise appearance by the Antichrist. Hymnal: "Highway to Hell" by AC/DC Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.c

Get ready, Theophiloi, because it's time for a tightly plotted heist story about our favorite Deuterocanonical heroine, Judith! We'll be heading into a slice of the Apocrypha with some sharp commentary that cuts right to the good stuff. Get to listening, chop chop! Plus: Some very good and suggestions for improving Hanukkah that you can implement in your own celebrations! Topics of discussion: The ironies (all of them), Doubting Tomax, a prelude to Martinmas, St. Isadore the Hedgehog, an extended digression about Simon Magus and Avril Lavigne, The RAMBAN, Antilebanon, the Cracker Barrel Master Mold, earth and water, the most boss flex in the entire Bible, getting captured on purpose, Alfred, cheese plots, a Comic-Con of soldiers, and whether Holofernes was just a foot guy. Hymnal: "Heads Will Roll" by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

Watch out, Theophiloi -- we've got some high voltage coming your way as we dive into the apocryphal Acts of Paul and Thecla. For the first time, we have a real female protagonist who has agency... to the extreme. Join us for an astounding piece of Biblical fanfic, a discussion of why Thecla was left out of the canon (hint: thousands of years of entrenched misogyny), and get ready to be thirsty for virtue when you meet your new favorite semi-Biblical figure. Plus: a very good story about a very large lion. Topics of discussion: "The Lost Scriptures" by Bart Ehrman, a brief divergence into Santa Claus Canon, the real Patron Saint of the Internet, St. Isadore of Seville, Tertullian, Constantine (not that one) and the Hell Bible's version of Corinthians, various apocalypses, Paul's Bulk and Skull, AO1, a stack of virginity pledges reaching to the ceiling of the Flavian Amphitheater, Adrian Toomes, the hat guy, Holy Musk, Quentin Beck, man-eating seals, a surprising substance to see at a beheading, and a litany of

This week we're doing something a little different, Theophiloi! Before we finally move on from Genesis, we've invited the Beloved Wolfman, our pal David Wolkin, to talk us through the Torah. He covers his upbringing and work in Jewish education, and the story of a flawed people struggling with a very confusing God. Plus: the potentially devastating academic consequences of eating at IHOP and answers to your listener questions. Topics of discussion: The Jesustaur, David (the person), David (the name), David (the king), Sukkot, Rabbinic Commentary, Rashi, Rambam, The Besht (aka Master of the Good Name), the Rav, a swift and brutal lesson in Hebrew pronunciation, Bibliodrama, Storahtelling, the Sh'ma Exercise, the Peter Gabriel Webring, Original Sin, the exact date of the end of the world as revealed by the Holy Bible, the Jesse White Tumblers, Hebrew School Musical, the Dinosaur Bone Dimension, the first tongs. Hymnal: "Invisible Touch" by Genesis Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals a

It's finally time, Theophiloi, for us to finish our exhausting journey through the extremely bizarre Book of Genesis! This week, it's the life of Joseph and his Completely Ordinary Long-Sleeved Dream Robe! The Golden Age Daniel (aka the Lord of Dreams) closes out the book with a surprisingly cohesive narrative that teaches us the solution to all of life's problems: throw it in a hole. It's the final 13 of 50 verses of people making bad moves! Join us, won't you? Topics of discussion: Hopes for an easy and meaningful fast on Yom Kippur, an evaltuation of Scott Rogowski's shofar playing, extremely good impressions of the Prince of Stories, inflation in Bible times, Er, Onan, a bizarre sex prank, Potiphar's name bros, America's three favorite things, a brief appearance by Historical Dracula, The Bonus Goat Podcast Network, Ben Carson, a wild set of last words, and a successful arrival in Egypt where nothing bad will happen probably. Hymnal: "Coat of Many Colors" by Dolly Parton Offertory: If you enjoy the show,

Content Warning: We cover the story of Dinah in this episode, which involves a sexual assault. Shanah Tovah, Theophiloi, and welcome back to what we're pretty sure is the world's only Bible podcast! We're kicking off 5779 with the third part of our increasingly unwieldy discussion of Genesis. This week, the Lentil Stew Boys are back for hijinx as we cover the lives of Jacob and Esau, and give you a shofar performance that critics are already hailing as "well-intentioned." It is both our sexiest and most pro wrestling heavy episode yet, and we're as surprised by that as you are. Topics of discussion: Our wishes for a sweet Rosh Hashanah, Jacob's invention of cosplay, situations in which literally lying to your blind father about God is totally fine, conservation of blessings, a Jacobian installment of Benito's Anthroponomastics Corner, ordinary eyes, quite a few trips to the bone zone, animal husbandry and sympathetic magic, sympathetic sheep magic, Rachel's 11, whether or not the Holy Trinity tapped, the Bibl

We've got a content warning on this one: This section of Genesis includes some very famous instances of homophobia, sexual assault, and incest. Keep that in mind if you plan on listening this week.  Join us, Theophiloi, as we continue our journey through Genesis. The first of the Pentateuch continues to be challenging as we move into the life of Abraham and find things that are even weirder than we got with Adam, Eve, and Noah. Join us for the many instances of Abraham hanging out with God, the fate of Sodom and Gomorrah, the Binding of Isaac,  and the Biblical figure who is far more problematic than that ol' kitty-cat Satan: Lot. Lot is very bad, actually.  Topics of discussion: Chris Books and Benito Books, apple puns, the adventures of Abram when he was a boy, Midrash and the No-Prize, Abram's first Pokémon battle, how to deal with Pharaoh (hint: plagues), why East is bad,  Melchizedek's extremely good name, the War of Nine Kings, Arioch, the exact amount by which Abram is better than Leonidas, various cov

Ever wonder why we have anxiety, Theophiloi? Perhaps it's because we're sitting down to examine and/or make goofs about the extremely well-known foundational text of at least three major world religions. That's right, y'all: it's our longest episode yet, featuring the genesis of the beginning of Genesis. This week: Chapters 1 through 11, covering Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel, Noah's Ark  , and other stories that you probably know very well, assuming you remember the part where Noah passes out drunk with his junk out and invents slavery. Plus, join us in the Correctional Confessional as we address some mistakes and inaccuracies from last week's episode concerning the current status of St. Christopher and St. Wilgefortis, Skull Mountain Baptist Church, and the Arian Heresy. Ever wonder why we have anxiety, Theophiloi? Perhaps it's because we're sitting down to examine and/or make goofs about the extremely well-known foundational text of at least three major world religions. That's right, y'all: it's our longest

Happy birthday! To you, possibly, to us, definitely, as today (August 12) is Chris's birthday, and Benito's (August 20) is quickly following! To celebrate, we're taking a break from Bible Times to hit up the middle ages and Jacobus de Voragine's The Golden Legend. Join us as we learn about our namesake saints (namesaints), St. Christopher and St. Benedict. One is a gigantic werewolf and the other hates being horny. Just friggin' hates it. It's not a competition, but if it was, you know who'd be winning. Topics of discussion: Four specific people for whom eight days constitutes a week, saints as a concept, martyrdom and the veneration of local heroes, two EXTREMELY good stories about Benito's younger days, Chris forgetting how to pronounce "Jacobus" literally six minutes after hearing it, a suspiciously erotic description of Italian geography, the calendar of the saints, Shawns and Martys, a bonus hagiography of St. Wilgefortis, cynocephaly, the Devil's Tramping Ground, the shortest possible summary of the lif

Get out of the cistern and cut your nails, Theophiloi, because it's time for a brand new episode! Join us as we take on the extremely apocryphal book of Ahikar, Tobit's maybe nephew. This leads us to the biggest fight we've ever had on the show, which is about whether the Pharaoh's riddle contest is actually a riddle contest or not (it's not, but the eagle boys are pretty dope). Topics of discussion: A debate over the premise of the show that sends Chris's voice spiraling up about six octaves, Tu B'av, the Jewish calendar, a bit of self-promotion unrelated to Bible, Aesop who isn't real either, Deuterocanon and pseudepigrapha, the first of what we assume will be many mentions of Grand Admiral Thrawn, a number that constitutes "a lot of wives," all the numbers in the Bible, a pretty vindictive answer to a prayer, Ahikar's dubious teaching methods, drubbing, some low-hanging fruit, God vs. April, a truly bonkers level of animal cruelty, and Chris getting lightheaded from laughing at his own joke. It's a good on

We are back, Theophiloi! After a bona fide Act of God, we've returned to read the capital-A Apocryphal Book of Tobit, and it is a wild one. Join us for the most canonical of the non-canonical books, in which we find out exactly why you shouldn't go to sleep under a wall, what fish parts you need if you do, and meet an ironically prudish demon and an angel who's cool but rude. Plus: What happens if we find a brand new book of the Bible, autographed by God? Topics of discussion include: Janelle Monae, Tisha B'Av, the debatable sacrament of Cheddar Bay Biscuits, "The Sons of Thunder," the Dead Sea Scrolls, Antigone, the second ominous black sarcophagus, the lowercase grateful dead, Monster In The Bridal Chamber as a genre, Jack of the Tales and the sack that he used to capture Death, rough times in Ninevah, Asmodeus, Watership Down (or maybe Redwall?), the Seven Princes of Hell, Solomon and his demon bros, the Malleus Maleficarum aka the Witch Hammer (please note we only endorse the title, not the content), the

Okay, Theophiloi, let's get this clear right now: Roy Thomas was the second editor-in-chief of Marvel after Stan Lee, and is often considered to have been the first comics creator to make the leap from fan to pro, so yeah, he's basically Luke. Hope that clears it all up. Now that that's done, break off a hunk of traitor bread and join us as we finally finish with the canonical gospels! This week: the back half of the Gospel of John, aka the Gospel of Travis! Enjoy a not insignificant amount of Gay Content, a good bit of Peter Rehab, and learn that Pontius Pilate was maybe not such a bad guy after all. Plus, a message to all our time traveler listeners! Topics of discussion: another trip to the bar, Lazarus, the Beloved Disciple(s), Apostle vs. Disciple, Mary Magdalene, the Da Vinci Code, and the Magdalena, Christopher Marlowe, King James, and Calcagno causing quite a bit of trouble, John Linen (ugh), a much better idea for Boba Fett, "Catamite," Erastes and Eromenos, Judas (not Iscariot), a weird verse to hav

Oh h*ck yeah! Your hosts done done it again, y'all: we goofed around and talked a whole lot about the Gospel of John. You'd think after going through this stuff four times, we'd be a little more efficient, but no. It turns out that there have been centuries of debate focused entirely on John 1:1, and it goes like you'd expect from there. Join us on the first part of our journey through the final canonical gospel (and by far the weirdest) as we meet a new and unknowable Jesus who is known by His first sign: turning Purple Stuff into Sunny D. Plus, we meet like eight Johns who might actually be one John, because who even knows anymore. You, uh, might want to familiarize yourself with Grant Morrison before you listen to this one, because we go deep. Topics of discussion: John 3:16, Austin 3:16, the Invisibles, the Matrix, Dark City, They Live, and other pop cultural touchstones, Gothy Magic Stuff, God's Fiction Suit, Benito's extremely bad joke, John the Baptist, John the Apostle, John the Presbyter, John the Re

Congratulations be upon you, Theophiloi (and possibly Apocryphinos)! We hope you're ready for some Johnny Bapto content, because that's what we have a lot of this time around, as we go into the Gospel of Luke! Bear witness to the Sermon on the Plain, the Seven Deadly Enemies of Man, and pure unbridled hatred for wizards, the rich, and, presumably, rich wizards. Plus, Chris solves the synoptic problem once and for all. You're welcome. Topics of discussion: a turkey of boy, Summer Christmas, the Triple Tradition, the Double Tradition, the Great Omission, the blueprint for a universal church, the Original Marvel Comics Bullpen of the Bible, editorial fatigue, Johntent, two turtledoves, the only canonical mention of Teen Jesus, the two completely unnecessary genealogies of Jesus, the alarming lack of details about Mary Magdalene and her seven demons, the Travel Narrative, Special Lukan Material, Jesus telling the Apostles that nothing can hurt them and how that might not have been the most accurate prophecy we've

A question for you, Theophiloi: How many times would you like to listen to us go through the Gospel of Matthew? As many as... seven times? Well, you'll have to settle for two, as this week finds us finally getting into scripture. Join us here at Skull Mountain Baptist Church as we ghost ride the whip into Jerusalem, strain out gnats, gulp down camels, and celebrate the birthday of everyone's favorite dimwitted Apostle, Teen Peter. Topics of discussion: Bad ideas about when to bury your relatives, dogs of the Bible, the proper age for a Dog Bar Mitzvah, the apocryphal Gospel of Don Bluth, the Outer Darkness, Ultimate Mark, the Son of Man vs. the Son of David, Messianic Judaism, the last panel of every Jack Chick comic, Jesus being visited at work, Other Mary, Peter's greatest hits, Jesus's invention of metaphors, the real Kingdom Hearts, Peter's true and canonical age, white nonsense, The Fig Tree Discourse, Other Jesus, the good kind of forsaking, the Good Friday zombie apocalypse, Thunder, a disappointing la

  Congratulations be upon you, Theophiloi! So remember how last week, we had our longest episode ever? Well, your boys done did it again. We went so deep into the Gospel of Matthew that we wound up recording for well over two hours, which means it's time for our very first two-part episode! Join us as we go about 40 minutes before we actually get into scripture, largely because we're busy talking about hypothetical gospels, reviewing the major motion picture The Star, and settling this whole .gif thing once and for all. Topics of discussion: Benito's anxiety, Chris's anxiety, the Pharisees, the Begats, the Synoptic Problem, Q, M, L, the Two Source Hypothesis, the Four Source Hypothesis, the Farrer-Goulder-Goodacre theory, Luke's anti-wizard agenda, three secret wizards, an entire litany of source theories that we don't talk about because nobody wants to be here all day, the Marcion Manhunter, the linage of Jesus and how it's actually the lineage of Joseph, an unsurprising Hellboy appearance and debate, Nazare

"When the scribes of the Pharisees saw that He was eating with sinners and tax collectors, they asked His disciples, 'why does He eat with tax collectors and sinners?' When Jesus heard this, He told them 'Those who are well don't need a doctor, but the sick do need one. I didn't come to call the righteous, but sinners.'" -- The Gospel of Mark, 2:16-17 Gird thyself, Theophiloi, for our longest episode to date as we dive into the Gospel of Mark and its mysterious secrets. Join us as we chronicle Jesus's very justifiable frustration with the apostles and learn about the Apostles that are most likely to set your house on fire. Plus, we delve into Secret Mark, Chris has a little difficulty with pronunciation, and we finally answer the age-old question that has been debated by theologians for almost 2,000 years: is the Gospel of Mark a sandwich? Topics of discussion: Hangry Jesus, the 3600 Marks of the Mark Corps, angel messaging, the difficulties of establishing lion and bear biology in bible times, baptism and it

"And Isaiah answered and said 'So far as I have utterance, damned and accused be thou and all thy powers and all thy house, for thou canst not take from me aught save the skin of my body.' And they siezed and sawed in sunder Isaiah the son of Amoz with a wooden saw." -- The Ascension of Isaiah, 5:9-11. Here's a question for you, Theophiloi: How do you get rid of a prophet who won't stop sitting on your bed in the nude with 50 of his closest friends? The answer, at least according to this week's selection, is that you wait for him to turn into a tree that also won't stop prophesying, and then saw him in half. Join us as we read the apocryphal Ascension of Isaiah, which gets into some shockingly specific detail about what we can expect in the Gospels... mostly. Topics of discussion: The feast of Mary, Mother of the Church, Pentecost, Shavuot, a missed installment of SatanWatch, Isaiah's constant nudity, Samael, the Venom of God, the Carnage of God, the Demiurge, Belial, demons in the air, AntichristWatch, Negad