Conversations With Cinthia

Have you ever noticed that sometimes there's a difference between how you want a particular relationship to be and how it actually is?  We can hope for growth in another person or in our relationship with that person, but hope and pretense are not the same thing.  Today Cinthia encourages an honest look at the relationships we actually have rather than continued expectation of intimacy where it does not exist.  Join her to ask some hard questions and then consider how to cultivate the kind of real intimacy that will satisfy your soul.  

Healthy relationships with God and with ourselves enable us to have healthier relationships with others.  But how do we have healthy relationships with ourselves?  Today, Cinthia discusses feelings, boundaries, and the difference between guilt and shame, as well as what it means to make peace with ourselves.  Learning to forgive ourselves instead of excusing our actions or believing our shame can revolutionize our insides; love, then, produces behavioral and relational changes that shame never could.  Also, Cinthia explains what it means to re-parent ourselves and act as adults toward ourselves.  If you want to become your own best version, this episode matters; start improving your relationships by learning to manage yourself.

These days, some seem to view talking about your religion as inappropriate, even as a way of victimizing others.  Today Cinthia is joined by author Karen Kingsbury who discusses her new book In This Moment.  This story is about a high school principal who responds to the gang violence, teen pregnancy, drug abuse, and other high-risk elements in his students' lives by offering a voluntary Bible study after school; he is then sued for this and faces potential for job loss and jail time as a result of the offering the Bible study.  Karen and Cinthia discuss the shift that has taken place in the national mindset regarding the role of religion in the public square, as well as the ways this impacts relationships in our society.  

What do your relationships reveal about your view of yourself?  Knowing who we are is pivotal to having healthy relationships with others, but, without getting our sense of self-value from God, we are ill-equipped to have a realistic sense of identity.  Today, Cinthia explains that false beliefs can skew our sense of identity and send us into relationships full of shame, desperate for approval, blaming and punishing others, fearing rejection, and working desperately to perform our way into finally being ok.  Join Cinthia to explore God's provision for us in each of these places and to learn how to grab onto what He offers instead of letting our false beliefs destroy us and our relationships.  

Relationships may get play in a lot of shallow discussions and articles, but they are bound up with the deep things of life.  What do you believe about yourself?  God?  Other people?  These beliefs lay the groundwork for all our relationships, and sometimes this explains a lot about our relationships!  What does it mean that you are made in God's image, and so are the people around you? Cinthia discusses some specific ways God made us like Himself and examines what these mean for our spirituality and our relationships with each other.  As much as we can all work on things like communication, none of it fits together until we look at these more foundational issues.  Join Cinthia to explore what it means to be an image-bearer of God, one He designed for relationship with Himself and others.

It's not uncommon for people to say they are done with relationships.  It doesn't usually last long because human beings are made for relationship.  Relationships of all kinds (not just romantic or sexual) are basic to human functioning, but they involve so much risk!  Cinthia starts from the beginning: We acknowledge the desire for human relationship and learn how to communicate without over-sharing too soon.  This may sound easy, but it isn't always.  Join Cinthia as she lays the foundation for a series on relationship and discusses how to keep yourself from being too vulnerable in the beginning of relationship.

As we end a week of talking about addictions, Cinthia talks with Greg Struve, LPC, from The Way Recovery, an intensive outpatient program (IOP) in Phoenix.  They discuss the usefulness of IOPs for those who have potential to recover without going inpatient on a residential unit.  They also discuss the need to address trauma and other factors when recovering from an addiction, the importance of not judging addicts or assuming they inherently have more character defects than the rest of the population, and more.  Don't forget to listen to all the episodes from this series, and join Cinthia and Greg for the wrap-up.

We've been talking all week about addiction, but the question remains:  If we didn't choose to become addicted in the first place, how can we choose to change?  Cinthia discusses the importance of acknowledging that a problem exists, the helpfulness of Twelve Step programs, and what to do if you are considering whether to quit using a particular substance.  She then discusses making a plan, preparing for change, seeking personal and professional support, identifying triggers and making changes to deal with those triggers, getting help if it's not safe for your body to stop all at once, dealing with withdrawals, replacement behaviors, and more.  Every bit of pain, says Cinthia, is worth it. Join her to look at how to make the pain worthwhile.

How do we know when we have become addicted to a substance?  Even before that, how do we know whether we are at risk to become addicted?  Cinthia discusses a variety of factors, including things like genetics, trauma, environment, chronic pain, other mental disorders, and more.  She also looks at myths about addiction and the question of why some people become addicted and some do not, despite similar use (though she points out that, with enough use, anyone can become an addict, even without the genes that tend to make some people much more vulnerable).  Some of these things give us clues about what might help, and Cinthia discusses some things that help to prevent, protect, and heal.  Whether you are struggling with an addiction yourself or love someone who is addicted, whether you are sure there's a problem or are just starting to wonder, this episode has some great information.  Be sure to listen to the other episodes in this series, as well.

Addiction is painful for everyone involved, and it raises questions we never wanted to have to answer.  Today Cinthia differs between judging an addict, which she discouraged yesterday, and discerning when behavior becomes unhealthy and dangerous.  What is the difference between setting boundaries and judging?  Between being self-righteous and loving someone honestly?  Between excuses and explanations?  This episode encourages understanding people as fully as possible, dealing with our own issues, and being tolerant of people's pain but intolerant of behaviors that destroy what is precious.  Join Cinthia to explore God's heart toward addicted people and the importance of aligning with His heart instead of swinging between judgment (including self-judgment for addicts) and enabling or excusing behavior. 

Have you ever been impacted by addiction?  Your own?  Someone else's?  Addiction can be devastating, and it can inspire extreme feelings when we encounter it.  Sometimes we even engage in harsh judgment of the addict.  Cinthia reminds us that nobody seeks to be in the grip of addiction and looks at what factors can cause addictions in the first place; she also covers some basic definitions that will help us better understand what constitutes an addiction and how it differs from a habit, compulsive disorder, etc.  Toward the end of the episode, Cinthia addresses the question of harm management and discusses why it tends to be problematic.  Whether you are struggling with an addiction yourself or love someone who is addicted, you can find lots to help you in this episode.  Cinthia also outlines some of the other addiction-related topics she plans to cover this week and describes a relevant interview planned for this Friday.  

If you've been following this series at all, go ahead and download this episode so you can listen to it repeatedly.  After a week with lots of information, today Cinthia speaks directly to the hearts of those whose loved ones struggle with mental illness.  Some of it may be hard to hear, while some of it may be a relief.  Many of the same things that are important in dealing with your loved one -- allowing and respecting struggle (including wrestling with God), appreciating the difficulty of persevering, getting the care and help needed, etc. -- are important for dealing with yourself as you walk this road and try to be helpful to another precious human being.  The enemy wants you to burn out, but God is bigger than the enemy.  Toward the end of the podcast, Cinthia gives a list of some of the books, groups, and other resources that may help.  This episode may just have some things your heart needs to hear.  

If you love someone dealing with a mental health disorder, do you ever wonder where God is in the middle of that person's struggle?   Do you worry about the medications they might be prescribed?  How does prayer and Bible reading fit into all this?  What about addictions?  And what are you supposed to do when the person doesn't want help?  Today Cinthia talks today about some of the things that person likely wants you to know and understand.  Cinthia gives a large amount of information and food for thought today; join her to increase your understanding and gain some much-need perspective.  She will continue this conversation tomorrow, so be sure to come back for that episode!

Do you ever get frustrated with the lack of specific instructions available about what to do or not do regarding loved ones who are struggling?  Certain guidelines are available, but knowing how to apply them to your situation may be difficult.  Today Cinthia discusses what it looks like to stay close to God as we listen for His instructions regarding a particular situation.  She emphasizes the importance of self-care and finding support for yourself, the need to get relevant education so we can consider the appropriate factors, the importance of seeking and implementing advice from appropriate professionals, learning to deal with the grief and loss that can come when the responses we see in the short- or long-term are not what we hoped, and forgiving without excusing.  Also, if you and your spouse both love the person, you may find yourselves wanting to deal with the situation differently; Cinthia talks about differences in the ways men and women tend to respond to struggling loved ones and how to navigate t

When someone we love struggles with mental illness, it can be hard to know how to truly help and when our help might actually become part of the problem.  Jesus told a story about how to help others; it's often called "The Story of the Good Samaritan."  Today Cinthia looks at how this story applies when our "neighbor" has a mental illness.  The Samaritan man in the story showed great mercy but also had good boundaries.  Today's episode encourages strategies like seeing instead of distancing or pretending, appropriately covering without enabling, and giving what we can without becoming confused about where we end and the other person begins.  This last one can be particularly confusing, but Cinthia gives some great specifics regarding how to know when our boundaries need to be stronger.  If you are sometimes don't know what your role in helping your loved one is supposed to be, this episode offers great insight for the journey.  

When we love someone who struggles with a mental illness, we may want desperately to help but not know what to do.  Sometimes we wonder if we are making things worse.  Today Cinthia starts a week on the topic of helping people we love who struggle with mental illness.  She begins with an acknowledgement that relationships in which mental illness is present can involve a lot of unintended harm; not only can those with mental illness sometimes cause negative consequences to themselves or others, but those who love them can unintentionally cause harm to the person struggling.  She encourages forgiveness (of others and ourselves), seeking to understand the reality of the situation, and working through grief and loss to reach acceptance.  She also emphasizes that healthy relationships (not enabling or codependent ones) can play important and helpful roles for people seeking greater mental health.  Join Cinthia to begin a great week on a topic that often receives too little attention.

Do you ever get tired of negative stories and disconnected neighbors?  Whether it's the news, our own lives, or the pieces of life others share with us, there can be so much pain to witness in the world, and sometimes it seems like there's so little we can do to help one another through it.  Today Cinthia talks with author Laura Schroff about her book Angels On Earth, which shares twenty-nine beautiful stories of times people have been helped by others.  If you long for moments of beauty, need inspiration to find appropriate ways to reach out, or want to hear something positive over your headphones after so much heaviness, listen to an interview about how the small acts of kindness really do make an impact in the world.

We've been talking about forgiveness this week as it pertains to all our relationships, but today Cinthia looks at forgiveness in our primary relationships.  Forgiveness can seem particularly threatening in our closest relationships because unforgiveness can masquerade as a shield, making us think it's protecting us from deeper hurt in very vulnerable situations.  Also, while forgiving people from our past doesn't always involve restoring ongoing relationships, forgiving in our close and current relationships means learning how to deal with the issue in the present.  Sometimes we need to discuss these issues with one another, and Cinthia offers guidelines for doing this and for dealing with the emotions that can result.  Cinthia also talks about how children can learn at home to incorporate forgiveness into their relationships; don't miss her examples for how to teach and model something that can help your children's relationships for a lifetime.

Unforgiveness affects us at so many levels, even impacting our physical health.  We often don't know how heavy a burden it is to us until we let it go.  Today Cinthia looks at some of the ways unforgiveness interacts with us physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.  She also continues looking at the "how" of forgiveness, encouraging each of us to take another step; she discusses deciding to forgive (which doesn't necessarily change our feelings yet), depending on the Holy Spirit for power to do what is beyond us, and obeying God by praying good things for our enemies.  Cinthia also discusses how the idea of forgiveness can be applied to our resentments toward God, even though we know He does nothing wrong that needs true forgiveness; we can stop withholding from Him and give Him trust we may have withdrawn when we became hurt, disappointed, or disillusioned.  Join Cinthia to take another step toward reclaiming the freedom that unforgiveness restricts.

Yesterday, Cinthia talked about what forgiveness is and why it matters, and she encouraged us to ask God to show us what we need to forgive.  But how do we actually forgive?  Today, Cinthia discusses God's ability to see us as more than a collection of the things we have done wrong, no matter how terrible the collection.  She explains that we can learn to do the same with ourselves and others.  God does not minimize or rationalize our sin, but he separates our sin from who we are.  Learning to forgive ourselves and others is about learning to hate what was done, not the person who did it.  Instead of minimizing or excusing what was done to us or by us, we can learn to stop minimizing the cross of Christ, which is the only thing bigger than the offenses.  Join Cinthia to learn about another step you can take toward healing.