Lords Of Loud

Lord Al leads this tutorial on the weird science of musical mashups. Take two or more perfectly sane tracks and smash them together to create something wonderful and new. Sounds great right? ('Wrong! It hates God! Slay the abomination!' -- Lord Ben.) Where did the mashup come from, where is it going and what the hell is it doing to my favourite Duran Duran song?

In this episode, the Lords sit slack-jawed and square-eyed as they discuss the TV theme songs that have heralded favourite shows for decades. With a slurp on the cathode-ray nipple, the Lords bicker about what a real theme song is supposed to be. If only Dr Phil were around to sort them out.

Isolation continues and, having tried our best to feel the feelgood tunes, it's time for the Lords to admit we all need those sad songs sometimes. What are the heartbreakers and tearjerkers that break these jerk's hearts? Heave a sigh, shrug a little, and turn your lights down low. The Lords share their sad-time specials and support each other through the dark times, well, until someone plays Lennon. Some old favourites and some surprise selections as we muse melancholic.

In the fight against COVID-19, countries are on a “war footing” against the “Invisible Enemy”. Our kilted commando, Lord Kev, takes on the corona cabal with his own collection of novelty songs in this episode. Like a squirt of disinfectant into your lungs, or a burst of sunlight under your skin, Lord Kev’s novelty songs are anti-viral and 100% certified guid for what ails ya.

Isn't music amazing? Sometimes, when you're locked in to avoid a global pandemic, an absolute belter hits the top of your playlist. Suddenly, your soul's on fire, you are transported ... you might even start air drumming. You can't wait to share such transcendent experiences with other music fans. They cough into their elbows and leave to wash their hands. Even in playing our favourite uplifting tracks we find one Lord's meat is another's murder.

In an unfortunate and entirely unplanned event, Lords Kev and Ben are locked out of the studio during the pandemic. Luckily, Lords Brett and Al are around to drown out their cries for help with novelty hit songs. ‘Cause if you can’t enjoy yourself when your friends are in mortal danger, when can you?

Oh baby... I’ve been holding back on you, ‘cause I wanted to know your love was true. But now that I can see we’ll be together forever I’m ready to really give you all I got. We’re gonna go places you never thought existed... you’ll be crying melodies out of your bellybutton! Babe, we’re going deep tonight...

It is a truth universally acknowledged that any old lord can identify a few universally acknowledged LPs. What happens when you investigate this concept a second time? Well, the lords leave the safety of their comfort genres and recognise some true innovators ... or burrow deeper into their comfort genres and recognise some true innovators. Features the sublime Virginia Plain, the ridiculous Mr Bungle, a hip-hop album named after a Johnny Cash tune, and the Devil himself.

Apparently, long-distance runners can experience a build-up of lactic acid resulting in exhaustion, breathlessness and severe allergies to milkshakes. Then something magical happens - they suddenly feel better, lift their knees and end the race with a cheese toastie in hand. In sport so too in music, and the Lords take a deep breath as they look at artists who got a second wind or should have.

Greetings hitch-hiker! Once again, we dare enter the dungeon of dragons and roll Lord Al's mystical objects to create an Alpha Battle. The lords offer up tracks featuring the letter 'E' and 'Magic'. Initially successful in their comfort genres, the ideas soon roll to halt, straws are clutched, barrels are scraped, an owl hoots ... and the dice tumbles no more ...

Ever feel like you’ve got too many fingers, when all you need is just the middle ones to show your rock 'n' roll attitude? So you chop off the extra ones but then you try playing guitar with just your two middle fingers and realise you’ve been a fool? Who hasn’t?! But in this episode, the Lords look at those musicians who cast aside their band members and made it work anyway.

Dear Diary, it’s Day 8 of the zombie apocalypse and things are unsurprisingly grim. I’ve eaten all my toilet paper and I broke a nail. Last night I saw Grandma eat my sister’s brain, so it’s not all bad. I’m setting off for Brisbane – rumour has it the Lords of Loud have bunkers, chock-full of guns, spam and their favourite albums to ride out the madness. But whose bunker to choose...?

Isn't it romantic? Just in time for Valentine's Day, the Lords select five of their favourite love songs, then attempt to seduce each other with a song chosen especially for one of the other Lords. But if music be the food of love, some of these songs are giving us heartburn. Lord Al suggests 'Love is a Fist', and Lord Brett thinks there's romance in A Clockwork Orange. But there may be hope for the other two as they find common ground ... well, as long as they stay in the 80s ...

Strewth! To celebrate Australia Day, grab ya favourite sheila, chuck a snag on the barbie, dust off a coupla of coldies and sit back and let Lord Ben play you his Top 10 Aussie songs of all time.

Lord Ben takes us on a quest to unearth artists whos best songs became much bigger hits for others, leaving them to miss out on the fame but happily sit back and collect the royalty cheques.

Good songs are like a grubby cretin rubbing against you on a crowded bus: they both want you to feel something. And if that figurative cretin is a cross between Roger Waters and John Denver, and the bus drivers are Lords Al and Brett, you know where this bus is heading... or do you?

Tears of a clown. Jeers with a frown. Sneers from another clown, sort of like the first in appearance but with different baggage that has a suspicious leak at the bottom. We look at all of ‘em in this episode, as Lord Al and Lord Brett wipe off the greasepaint to reveal the serious sides of your favourite musical jesters.

Ho-ho-holy silver bells! The Lords are getting festive. Up for debate: favourite Christmas songs, hated Christmas songs, and most memorable presents. Also features: dreadful visiting carollers, questions from the mailbag, and frankly bizarre giveaways. This is the seasonal special it is better to receive than be in any way responsible for. You won't believe the classic Christmas songs some of the lords haven't heard, or some of the shockers we have. Jump on Santa's knee and let the jingle bells rock : )

Sometimes even serious people have a lighter side. Who could forget the immortal words of Tommy DeVito, the quiet and thoughtful hero from the family film Goodfellas: What, I’m a ****** clown? I ****** amuse you, you mother-******??!! With this speech ringing in their heads, Lords Brett and Al continue the joyride into musical funny-land.

Like a small car full of multiple clowns, so is Lord Brett’s head. At least when he thinks about musical comedy it is. And in this episode he pushes Lord Al into the glove box and together they go exploring the musos who make funny. Honk honk!