Wonderful!

PREPARE FOR BLASTOFF. We're diving into the details and stats of ALL 30 of the contestants for the upcoming season of The Bachelorette. Will Nick Viall, that milk-fed beauty, find love this time around? Like they always say, the third time's the charm! And if it isn't, then fuck it, give 'em a fourth time. Let's keep throwing this dude-spaghetti at the wall until he sticks.

We're about to hop right into another season of the Bachelor -- but before we do, we wanted to take a trip through time to revisit the very first season of this beloved television franchise. We're gonna party like it's 2002. Which means we're ALL getting our hair straightened.

Here's the situation: We didn't really have time to watch a reality dating show and prepare an episode for you this week. In lieu of our regular topic of conversation, we're talking about a different dating story, which is to say, our own. It's about to get vulnerable as heck up in here.

We're back from our week of parental absence, and we're here to serve as exasperating ambassadors to our new favorite television show on Earth: Terrace House: Boys and Girls in the City.

Our time with The Bachelorette Canada draws to a close in this week's Rose Buddies. Who's getting down on one knee? Who's going to win Jasmine's heart? Who the hell is the Canadian equivalent of Neil Lane? All this and more inside.

We're talking about a blissfully brief Men Tell All episode of The Bachelorette Canada this week, and preparing ourselves emotionally for the season's upcoming finale. We're going to miss you, Canada. Desperately.

We spend the first ten minutes of this hour-long podcast just rambling about straight-up garbage, which we hope you can forgive us for. After that, though: The hard work of deciding between the two final boys of The Bachelorette Canada!

It's Hometowns time! Canadian Hometowns are just like our American Hometowns, as it turns out, except the families are extra polite, and also there's only three of them. Come here us rank these folks' actual human families, and discuss the merits of a new, surprisingly educational YouTube channel.

The Bachelorette Canada is really getting down to the wire now, as Jasmine tries to whittle the list of boys down to a tight three before hometowns. Who will succumb to the BLOOD SACRIFICE?!?! Nah, we're just playing. Everything turns out pretty okay.

Alright, so, this one goes off on some WILD tangents, but we think they're worth pursuing. When not talking about the chart-topping hits of the late 90s, we also dive into this week's episode of The Bachelorette Canada!

Boy howdy, what a challenging episode. Between the non-stop gags, original music and foot-smoochin', our skeletons had a REAL hard time staying up in our bodies while watching Bachelorette Canada. But we stuck with it, because we know how bad you need this.

The Bachelorette Canada is spending some time exploring a drama that we just could not care less about, so on this episode, we do a deep dive into a very important subject: Which boys in the house have actually been ghosts the whole time?

Our new Canadian friends are still posted up in Sandals Jamaica, just busting out tight fives of super on-point slapstick and prop comedy. Join us for a dissertation on their craft as we discuss Episode 3 of The Bachelorette Canada!

WHAT AREN’T THEY TELLING US? The truth is out there, by which we mean ‘The truth is under one of these boys’ shirts.’ This is a podcast about The Bachelorette Canada, by the way. This description wasn’t very clear, earlier.

We're back! And on a very strange schedule, in a very strange land: A marvelous territory known as Canada. Join us for our voyage into the first season of The Bachelorette Canada, and witness Jasmine's pure and righteous quest for happiness. Also, just revel in this GOOD batch of boys. GOOD BOYS AHOY.

It's here! Finale day is here! We're wrapping up the last two episodes of Bachelor in Paradise, which were basically like a four-hour-long waterslide of douche chills and genuine romance. FOUR COUPLES ENTER. THREE COUPLES LEAVE. Okay, well, they all leave, but one of them leaves very, very sad.

We're back, and ready to wrap up the unconscionable about of Bachelor-franchise television that we watched this week. Let's check in on Ashley/Caila/Jared, since ABC won't let us NOT check in on that wacky love triangle! Also, HOW ABOUT THAT NEW BACHELOR, HUH?

If, for some reason, you're having trouble downloading this episode of the podcast, don't fret! You can just download any other episode where we talk about the non-existent relationship between Jared and Ashley I., because apparently, there are people who haven't gotten enough of that particular saga. Please, please God, set us free.

Things are settling down in Paradise, which is kind of a relative measurement, because boy, are things still pretty buckwild in Paradise. Join us for a discussion of this week's events, which include a fateful tummydrink and a full-blown assault on mankind by El Nino, the Crab King.

What a turbulent four hours of television ABC made us watch this week! There were heartbreaking send-offs, grody arrivals and even the ascent of an unlikely emotional core for the whole BIP experiment! And then: The worst hour of TV this franchise has ever made. It's a rollercoaster! That dead-ends into a dumpster. Full of scorpions.