Apocrypals

And what more can I say, Theophiloi? By faith, we recorded a podcast about the Epistle to the Hebrews, which some dweeb thought was written by Mr. Paul even though it doesn't start with a lengthy introduction about how Paul wrote it. We tackle a mostly yikesless text that pretty much recaps the entire Book up to this point by summing up the Justice League of the Bible!  Topics of discussion: The Worldwide Weather Wreport, the Mꙮratꙮrium, why you should give me personally $316, Messiah (lv. 81) vs. Uriel (lv. 81) and Michael (lv. 87), Dracula, a galaxy brain take on which religion is correct, Esau getting Ethered. Hymnal: "Justice League Unlimited" by Michael McCuistion, "The Winner Takes It All" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church  (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merch

I suspect, dear Theophiloi, that there is no stepfather in all history more overshadowed than poor Joseph, the humble carpenter whose competition for his Son's affection was in fact the Almighty God. It's a pretty rough role to fill — especially when the kid you're raising keeps using holy ghost powers to murder and/or resurrect your neighbors' kids — but the tradeoff is a long life in which one is never sick or has a toothache. Turns out that baby aspirin ain't no joke. Listen in as we discuss the history of Jesus's put-upon  Topics of Discussion: Persona 5 (again), Ma and Pa Kent, the many terrible ways in which Jesus refers to his Earth parents, the Bowtie Fallacy, A. Wife, Herod's Evil, Enoch & Elijah & Tabitha & an Australian Woman. Hymnal: "Common People" by Pulp, "Gimme Gimme Gimme" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in th

The Book of Job is famously one of history's biggest bummers, Theophiloi, so in this episode, we're going with something that always brings us joy: women fighting dragons. It's Martha of Bethany and Margaret of Antioch, two blessed saints with adventures worthy of the airbrushed side of a custom van! Topics of Discussion: A review of a bad review, a review of Chris's mom, Martha Wayne's pearls, the Stone Cold Stunner, the Tarasque (CR 30).  Hymnal: "Through the Fire and Flames" by DragonForce, "SOS" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17     Note: Chris's audio is choppy in some spots

Have you ever wondered why bad things happen to good people, Theophiloi? Well, we've found the answer in the Book of Job, a literary classic and/or utter failure, and it's pretty simple: God's indifference is indistinguishable from God's wrath. That's... kind of a weird idea to show up in Bible, though, so join us as we spend an hour unpacking it along with the long-suffering title character and the Creator of the Hippopotamus. Topics of Discussion: (sigh) the weather, Benito's patreon which I want to make clear does not support Chris (but is still worth it), hiring an editor for the show, the Inverse Pascal's Wager, Old Man Elohim, interchangeable children, chaos dragons, dinosaurs in the creation museum. Hymnal: "When I Needed You" by Canadian superstar Carly Rae Jepsen from the critically acclaimed 2015 album Emotion, "Chiquitita" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he

No man  knoweth the hour or the day, Theophiloi, but our 100th episode is at hand! In celebration of our centennial, we take on one of our most requested texts: the recently discovered Gospel of Judas! Join us as we settle the argument about Judas Iscariot once and for all. Is He Man or Monster or…. is he both?    Topics of Discussion: The Crime Bible, Who Picked Acts?, Irenaeus of Lyon, GEORGE CLOONEY IS LEARNING COPTIC, Jesus L-ing HAO (PGFE), a joke that I literally forgot the meaning of between recording the show and editing it, One Punch Man’s friend, the one tiny fact of the world that Chris has actually influenced, the One Above All, spoilers for Persona 5, Apocryphoes.    Hymnal: “100 Days, 100 Nights” by Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings, “Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!” by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45)   Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the sho

You’ve heard of Solomon, right, Theophiloi? The king so wise that he once threatened to cut a baby in half? Well, if you were looking for more examples of this famous wisdom, we have some bad news for you: it sure as heck ain’t in Bible. Instead, we get a lot about decorative gourds and a little about bathing in blood in One Kings as we kick off a new year on the show! Topics of Discussion: A busy start to 2022 TYOOL, the Queen’s DBZ phase, a hot political take,  “The Big Game,” a really fun thing listeners do about Benito pronouncing Hebrew that is just so fun for us, a human slanket, a comic that really s*cks, Solomon’s extremely cool chair, Ahab (Earth-616). Hymnal: “King of Kings” by Mötorhead, “Take A Chance on Me” by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church.

We suspect, Theophiloi, that it has been as much of A Year for you as it has been for your humble Sons of Thunder, so please forgive us for skipping the lengthy and intense reading we would’ve done for Hanukkah in favor of going right to a much easier Christmas episode to finish out the year. We’re diving back into the shallow pool that is Jack Chick’s hateful ouvre with three “classic” holiday themed tracts: The Missing Day, Holy Night, and Humbug! They’re real bad! Topics of Discussion: The similarities between the Fifth Book of Maccabees and House (197   7, dir. Nobuhiko Obayashi), a Biscuit-based scam, the Strasbourg of the Midwest, a gift exchange, a wild reaction to chicken wings, Purebred Hoss Cat Energy, Home Alone, PCP, Boston nonsense, Bob Cratchit’s NFTs, setting an old tomato. Hymnal: "Christmastime is Here" by Vince Guaraldi Trio, "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" by Darlene Love Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample trea

Quick, Theophiloi! Name your favorite Apostle! Okay, good, now we know who among you cannot be trusted, because anyone who said Andrew is a liar. My dude is boring as all h*ck except for the part where Andrew’s friend goes completely John Wick on a bunch of dudes who are trying to recreate the cover to Uncanny X-Men #251. That might not sound very appealing, but… well, it’s a good show anyway. Promise. Topics of Discussion: The importance of being furnace, vampires fighting each other and why we’re not talking about that, The Discourse,  the Parricide Bag, a vehicle, doesthedoggetbadeintoadryandbarrenplaceandhurtnomanuntilthelastday.com, playing the miracle hits, Chris still being mad about blog comments from like  13 (!) years ago, Adamantis, the best name, triangles, the nicest time to pray, Stratocles, the worst possible typo. Hymnal: “X-Men” by Ron Wasserman, “Winner Takes It All” by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church.   Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother

Happy Halloween, FIENDS and NeighBOOs! It’s the spookiest time of year, and to get in the SPIRIT, we’re reading about how the Master of The Good Name and founder of Hassidic Judaism fought a werewolf and then out-lawyered a ghost in front of God Himself. No, really. It’s exactly as rad as it sounds. Topics of Discussion: AHH!BBA, a spooky film recommendation, the RAMBAM, the RADR, etc, the Appalachians of Dracula, Barovia, a very suspect ingredient, a ghost murderer who has a pretty good point actually.  Hymnal: “Werewolf Bar Mitzvah” by Tracy Morgan, “Monster Mash” by Bobby “Boris” Pickett  Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17

I don’t want to brag, Theophiloi, but I think if I was going to write a text in the style of Mr. Paul (a servant of Jesus Christ, called to be an Apostle, separated unto the Gospel of God which He had promised afore by His prophets in the holy scriptures), I could probably do a better job than whoever it was who wrote this one and then pretended to dig it up from under his basement. That said, this bit of apocryphanfic does give us one of the most influential depictions of Hell, making it perfect for the season of Haints ’n’ Saints. Plus: Math! Topics of Discussion: Squid Game: It’s Not Splatoon™, Midnight Mass, Heck Houses and Judgment Houses, sins that upset rivers, a joke about sins from Benito that is itself a sin, Panther Noise, God’s Footstool, the worst time to monitor sins, Heaven rivers, the Josta Street Team, Teekl (the cat), the ungodliness of warp drive, pitchforks. Hymnal: “The World is Falling” by The Woggles, “Bloody Tears” by Jonny Music (https://www.youtube.com/c/JonnyMusicChannel/) Offertory

Work with me here, Theophiloi: It sure is late July 2021, and that means it’s time for us to celebrate the feast day of Jesus’s Second-Favorite Mary, depending on who you ask! We’re rolling through a hagiography of Mary Mags so dubious that even Jacobus de Voragine says part of it is definitely made up, and considering that dude’s wack standards, that’s saying something. Plus, a very special guest Saint who definitely exists because some history dude would not admit that he didn’t recognize a statue of Jesus.  Topics of Discussion: Chris’s move, Dave Seville’s truly reprehensible parenting, the nature of the word “bridge,”  Just Tryin’ To Get Through in 5782, the nature of the word “Gruenies,” the etymology of Mary (fake), the etymology of Mary (real), antagonyms, the seven canonical hours, The Feet. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Offic

Blessed are your hosts, Theophiloi! It’s been a while, yes, but we’re back just in time for our mutual birthday, with a look at an apocryphal text that goes from zero to complete buck wild in the span of about one paragraph. Get ready for some real Bee Attitudes and join us in this episode as we find out how Joseph — the Old Testament one with the coat, not Jesus’s stepdad — met his very tall, very mean wife.  Topics of Discussion: Donald Duckin’ into an avuncular age, who’s the Scrooge/Georgia/Ryan/Taylor and who’s the Donald/Karen/Shane/Phoebe?, Apocrypha for Beginners by Brandon W. Hawk, fancasting for Aseneth, some good cat names, BDSM, a story about Balder the Brave. Hymnal: “A Bee Without Its Sting” by the Go! Team, “Bad Romance” by Mad Organist (https://youtu.be/a9mgZqO4bgc) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merc

I think you’ll agree, Theophiloi, that while texts containing actual stories about things like 12’ werewolf saints and angel jacuzzis are nice, the real action here on our goodtime comedy podcast is in non-narrative, fragmented gnostic texts about how good is not good, evil is not evil, Jesus is made of bread, and also he had French babies. We’re diving once more into the geometry that inspired the Da Vinci Code (and, you know, the whole thing about Merovingian kings) as we read through the Gospel of Philip and the Gospel of Mary Magdalene! Or what’s left of them, at least.   Topics of Discussion: Christmas in July, Death & Taxes,  Persona 5 (again), an actual Blessed Voltron Mary,  Jesus is Clothes, a pretty crucial missing four pages, Johnny Ace, Jesus is Bread, a sound clip from the Da Vinky Code that I’m sorry to say I will definitely be getting some mileage out of, Professor X, a very good joke, a heck of a guess about some kisses, the most amazing paragraph Benito has ever read on Wikipedia.   Hymna

CONTENT WARNING: This episode contains discussion of sexual assault with regards to the story of Amnon and Tamar, beginning right after the ad break and ending at 26:00. If I had to rank them, Theophiloi, I’d say that the most wildly violent pieces of media I have ever taken in through the eyeballs are Doom 2016, Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky, and the Second Book of Samuel. Unlike the first two, this one’s not all fun, but we do eventually get to the point where it goes full-on Looney Tunes.    Topics of Discussion: Apocrypals X/Y, the Correctional Confessional, the immediately canceled TV show “Kings” which apparently enough people remember that they were surprised we didn’t talk about it, Jonadab, handshakes: bad, ZADOK THE PRIEST, summer fruit, the hilarious death of Absolom, Benito claiming that Bible makes narrative sense like he hasn’t been here for the past 89 episodes, double good news???, the Super-Dictionary, Goliath II: Back In The Habit, Halloween Havoc 1995 (I.Y.K.Y.K.), the Hushathite, an example

If you told me three years ago, Theophiloi, that the most famous king in Bible was not in the book called “Kings” but was instead in the part named after a dude who is neither present nor alive for the entire thing, I would’ve been real salty about it. Fortunately,, what it lacks in its title character, Sammy Deuce more than makes up for in sheer violence. It’s so much that we had to split it into two, because much like the Mountain Goats, King David and his boys are getting into knives. Topics of Discussion: Clive Barker (which would be a good name for a dog), the Apostles as dogs aka the Puppostles, both kinds of “DC Talk” that you hear on this show, one of my many questions about Persona 5,  strength measured in lions, the Field of Blades, an extremely β move, curse options, Rimmon the Beerothite, David’s crime-solving micro-sleeps, the climactic and mind-blowing end of the Philistines, a Biblical Sexy Lamp and alleged divorcée, the Neck Verse.   Hymnal: “Backstabbers” by the O’Jays, “Voulez-Vous,” by Step

You may be wondering, Theophiloi, how we could possibly talk for over 90 minutes about 1 Samuel, which contains one of the Bible stories that literally everyone knows. And yes, you almost certainly know about David and Goliath, but do you know about David's vast collection of foreskins? Or the part where the King of Israel does necromancy with the mom from Bewitched? Or that sweet sweet groundhoney? If you do, well, listen anyway, there's good jokes in this one and we’re going back to our favorite metaphorical bar.   Topics of Discussion: The New Neo-Normal, "The Great Atomic Power" by the Louvin Brothers, BrotherMania, Benito's shocking and world-shattering opinion of "Unchained Melody," an innocuous phrase that I do not enjoy saying, Nazarites, a truly sick burn on ol' Howie Lovecraft, Dagon's door rules, the secret 11th Plague, sub-par goldsmithing, an indeterminate number of melted faces, Castlevania II,  Doeg the Edomite, a technique for identifying men that shows that quite frankly they have always been

We weren't kidding, Theophiloi. We actually did a full-length commentary track for The Da Vinci Code (2006, Dir. Ron Howard). Did you know this movie is almost two and a half hours long? Because we didn't when we decided to do this. That is merely one of many shocking revelations that you can unravel along with us in this parasocial hangout sesh... OR IS IT? Topics of Discussion: Listen, I'm not going to lie to you here, we talk about a LOT of stuff in this one, about 30% of which is related to the movie that's playing in the background. At one point we just stone cold talked about Spider-Man's costume for five minutes. You knew what this podcast was when you downloaded it. Hymnal: "Mona Lisa" by Jerry Lee Lewis Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/a

We're finishing up our third anniversary special this week, Theophiloi, and the sheer weirdness of Enoch's new career has gotten vast enough to fill a myriad of parasangs. You might've thought you were prepared for everything we're going to see in this, but can anyone truly be prepared for SATAN STORMWIND, the sensational character find of the 2nd Century? It's the Dark Souls of apocrypha as these one two princes of podcasting get through 3noch 2: A Little Bit Louder Now. Topics of Discussion: Adventuring as low-quality nuns, Dom vs. Metatron (Dometatron), Lords of Dread and Captains of Fear, the best way to view the Lord ;), a comparison of the Holy One (Blessed be He) to Shaft from Youngblood that sets os off on a lengthy diversion about the Rob, an unprecedented Triple Devil Drop, technical difficulties, portals to the punch dimension, Chris making himself laugh with the dumbest running gag we've ever done, Enoch's definitive number of genders, the alphabet of sins. Hymnal: "Party Up" by DMX, "Party Up" by

Do me a favor, Theophiloi. Take a moment and write down the number of eyes, wings, and faces, that you think angels have, bearing in mind that you listen to this show and we know you know that two, two, and one are not the correct answers to that question. Now look at that number and understand that according to 3noch, you are almost certainly underestimating how wild we're going to get in this episode. It's our third Apocryphersary, and we're finally tackling the infamously brain-melting Third Enoch! Topics of discussion: Calling Benito from Target, a very challenging church sign, Chris's ongoing attempts to become milkshake buddies with YouTube content creator Jacob Geller, a quick hit of our hatred for Bob Kane, a truly wild secret identity, God Robins, Negenoch, Parasangs, the grossest thing I've left in the show instead of cutting out, forgetting the Power Stone for a long minute, Watchamacallits, Saphiriel H Who Killeth, the different ways to interpret the phrase "full of eyes." Hymnal: "Angeleyes" by A

As it is written in the Book of Ecclesiastes, Theophiloi: futility. Utter futility. That's what we get from trying to influence the farce that is Lent Madness to get our pick, St. Dunstan, all the way to the end of that sham of a tournament. In the time between deciding on him and recording this episode, our holy boy is already out, despite doing some real Hellboy stuff to the Devil his own self. Find out more in this week's episode, which is neither farce nor sham! Sometimes! Topics of Discussion: St. Joseph's Day, the best possible Die Hard sequel, Jacobus de Voragine's strange attitude towards names, a true momacle, a bunch of people with extremely ninth century royalty names that I'm not going to write down, an attempted callout for my need to do occupy myself while I record these pdocasts, animæ, a light bit of lit crit, bad meter. Hymnal: "Running With The Devil" by Van Halen, "Jump" by BusinessPug (https://youtu.be/X20rr5sA-Ow) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his b