Larry Miller Show

Larry admits that he would have liked to kiss Annette Funicello and also that he loves "I Love Lucy." We get a double shot of the joke of the week, plus a pretty spectacular poem on The Poetry Corner. Quote of the week: "Boy, I sounded like someone's grandfather saying that." Producer: Colonel Jeff Fox Audio Engineer: Dr. Chris Laxamana

Larry got booked on a new show early this week, so this week's This Week will be released later in the day on Wednesday, instead of the usual first thing on Wednesday morning. Thanks for your patience and stay tuned! The new episode will be along shortly. Nominum quid geminus!?

Larry does not suffer April fools lightly. He looks up the origin of April Fools Day and the information doesn't make him like it any better. In honor of the start of baseball season, we hear a classic baseball poem and talk about the movie "The Pride of the Yankees." There is no joy in Level 5 City, the mighty Larry has struck out. Quote of the week: "He said something in old English. And then they skinned you." Producer: Colonel Jeff Fox Audio Engineer: Dr. Chris Laxamana

Many a PhD thesis has been written about who has told the greatest garbage disposal story of all time. Miguel De Cervantes? Sun Tzu? Hildegard of Bingen? With this episode, we believe we have settled the matter. Also, we bring you not one, but two excellent jokes of the week, another Ogden Nash poem and some odd inflections by Larry.  Quote of the week: "Just wait, my son. Wait and watch."

Larry mulls over the meaning of St. Patrick's Day, we hear our show's motto in Klingon, Larry reluctantly tells this week's joke of the week and so much more.  Quote of the week: "I take that back. EVERYTHING against snakes!"

We hear how a young Larry got duped into swearing a lot to try to impress a girl. Guess how that worked out? And he talks about Plan 9 From Outer Space and how Daylight Savings Time should be a holiday. Quote of the week: "That's like blanking the blank if you blank the blank."

Larry goes not gangsta, but gangster. This week, find out why the sequester means nothing, nothing means nothing, why you shouldn't hang out naked inside a refrigerator and why you shouldn't accept a ride to the airport from a guy named "Knuckles." Quote of the week: "This sounds like a lot of hooey."

Larry is absurdly amused by this week's musical question. Which leads into a hilarious story about his days in high school musicals. The Hamper Update becomes the hamper stalemate, then motorcycle jokes, funny poems and more. Remember, it's This Week With Larry Miller--the world's only 50 minute long half hour show! Quote of the week: "What an elegant bathroom we have made for ourselves."

Larry struggles to get excited about Presidents Day and lobbies for a better holiday, like Sean Connery Day or better yet, Bond Girls Day. Now, there's a holiday worth closing a bank over. Plus a bonus poem in this week's "Poetry Corner." Quote of the week: "A good boy always carries a clean hankie."

Larry drives up the coast for his first live appearance and can't stop eating split pea soup. We wait in vain hoping to hear the Pope to say, "Nominum quid geminus?" Plus, the premiere of a new segment, "The Magic Movie Moment." Quote of the week: "It's like a blimp shot."

Larry laments that there the Super Bowl doesn't have any purpose-made novelty foods, like the rest of American holidays. That's right, we're calling it a holiday. Larry is also unimpressed by too many replays or the fact that the Harbaugh brothers are brothers. We have one of the best Poetry Corner segments so far.  Quote of the week: "Get your own show."

Larry talks about the difference between being an entertainer and inspired lunacy. We hear about Andy Kaufman playing at Carnegie Hall, 99 bottles of beer and joke-telling during a city-wide blackout. Then we wonder where Car 54 really is.  Quote of the week: "Walk that plank."

Inspired by a Jimmy Breslin quote Larry waxes nostalgic about the "crooks" and other characters he met while his father worked as a criminal defense attorney. We also learn how to REALLY ruin a 1964 Fury III and why honest people can't be trusted.

Hear about the joy of free bar-b-que, buffets and the debatable merits of the McRib. We also hear about cheap Brooklyn coats, how to repel alien invaders and how to give birth on a kitchen table, not once, but twice. Quote of the week: "There are cavemen that would look at you and say, 'Take it easy.'"

Larry returns to his podcast and tells the story of the accident that put him in the hospital and sidelined him for nine months. Quote of the week: "Hey, Dad, didn't you break your brain?"

Larry's new year's resolution is to teach you the difference between a tuba and a sousaphone. (Setting achievable goals is a key to a successful life.) Gather up your foul weather gear in your best rucksack. Larry talks about the seemingly endless sheets of rain that are soaking the Southern California area. It's OK, we really need it. Hear "Our Man Miller's" imitation of his own ringtone, which is, of course, even funnier than the orignal ringtone. Then he talks about working with Bobbie Phillips on the movie Carnival of Souls. Find out the REAL reason that Larry's glad he's not a stunningly beautiful woman.  Then enjoy a quick stop on Rabbit Island, as Larry discusses recipes sent in by readers. Can Larry segue from Armistice Day into how much he hates the circus? You better believe it, Otto Von Barnum. Happy new year from Larry and everyone on the show! Quote of the week: "It's not her job to see the romance in it."

The hamper update to end all hamper updates. We know we've said it before, but this time, we mean it. Yes, the hamper update takes an unexpected turn that was completely expected. By the time it's over, Larry is as close to being the Dad from A Christmas Story as he could possibly be. Larry saves his wife from a bloodthirsty, gigantic slug. And does soap-bar melding float your boat? Then get ready for the RETURN OF THE FIVEFECTA, or "How Larry Got His Soap Mojo Back." But wait, there's more! We award honorary doctorates and Colonel ranks to the first 500,000 listeners who download this episode! Yes, listen to this week's This Week With Larry Miller and you'll be walking in tall cotton. Possibly in a raccoon coat. That's Dr. Colonel Larry Miller to you, sir. Quote of the week: "Daddy has protected the house once again from all varmints & creatures."

We couldn't let the tradition lapse, so we snuck Larry into the studio just to record the annual re-telling of his Christmas story, "Does He Drink Coffee?" Merry Christmas to all of our listeners. Thanks again for your patience and support. Quote of the week: "If you needed a gun, call me. He'll get you one."

Larry Miller talks about the death and burial of a loyal shirt and the socks that loved it. And admits to being a trekkie. Yes, Larry powers through a cold to deliver another slam-bang-pow (cough) show. After weeks of preaching the wonders of the spit-bucket, Larry talks about the one time he kept eating food on a set. Yes, on this episode, we hear about Larry eating turkey with William Shatner for seven hours. And so much more. Until next week, live Larry and prosper. Quote of the week: "I will admit the hula-dancing, green-skinned woman is still in my mind."

You can fall off a barstool, but you can never fall off the floor. Or so says Larry in this episode. Larry talks about bending an elbow with some fans in Tallahassee. Also, in lieu of a secret handshake for Larry Miller Drinking Society members, we come up with a verbal code. We'd tell you about it here, but it's verbal! You'll just have to listen to this episode. Then Larry talks about being persistently lunkheaded or lunkheadedly persistent with a big-time talent agent in New York City in the 1980s. There are updates aplenty this week, include a hamper update, a fourfecta update (formerly the bifecta update) and an all new update that is ever so exciting. And remember, Larry's a nice boy with a clean hankie. Quote of the week: "He was already listing to port."